The last month has been a tough one around here. Everyone has been sick. The Vet got hurt. Money was very tight over the holidays and still is. I was out of work for a month. The house is a mess and I have no great driven desire to clean it up. This makes The Engineer crazy. He was raised in a house that was spotless. I was raised in a house that was a mess, not a pigsty, but definitely messy and dust was only wiped away when it was thick enough for pictures. Therefore it is easy for me to ignore the mess, not so for The Engineer. I see it in his face when he walks in the door after work and looks hopefully into the family room. Only to be disappointed day after day. I love when the house is neat and clean. It makes me happy and it makes The Engineer happy. So why is it that the house is a mess day after day, you ask? Well that is a great question. I've been asking myself that too. I could use all the usual excuses, they sound good too. I'm homeschooling three kids at three different grade levels. I have a kid who's knee is messed up and she can't walk. I have another who keeps spiking a 104 degree fever. I have one healthy kid who is overwhelmed trying to keep up with his chores and his sisters, even with my help. Some of these include caring for 2 dogs, 1 cat, a guinea pig, and the chickens. The yard is a mess and every time you go out your shoes are muddy. I had hoped for a snow pack by now but no such luck. The dogs have to be walked to go to the bathroom because there is so much mud. And for icing on the cake there's this little Cookie Mom thing.
But you know what? Those are not the reasons. The real reason is I can't seem to pay attention to anything for more than two minutes lately. The Engineer did all the laundry last weekend. The only problem is he hates putting it away. So there are baskets of clean/folded laundry all over the place. I should be grateful but it's just another thing distracting me. I walk by something and want to take care of it but I'm distracted by something else I see that needs to be done. The computer whispers to me to come play, and I give in. Or my book sends me a message that I haven't spent as much time as usual reading so I pick it up. It's just me hiding so I don't have to face the mess.
It's not just in the house though. Last night I didn't go to karate because I didn't feel like getting up. What's that all about? I love karate so why all of a sudden I don't feel like going. Tonight I went and was so distracted I had a hard time paying attention. Not me at all.
Another thing is I like to make dinner. I hate to figure out what to have for dinner so I make a list every two weeks and shop for the list then each night I just have to look at the list to see what to make. No stress, no brainer. Well for the last month not only have I not had a dinner menu list, any shopping I've done has been willy nilly so I have to figure out what to make with what we have on hand.
I've been like this since I was sick. My brain feels like a fog has moved in. Even at work my partner has asked me if I'm all right. I'm just not myself. I have all these things running through my head and I can't seem to stop it and just pick something to get started. Every time I want to do something I come up with a story I tell myself and the next thing I know the day has gone by and nothing gets done.
I need to make it stop but I don't know how. Then The Engineer comes home and tells me how upset he has been about the earthquake in Haiti. Then I feel even more pathetic because I have avoided as much of the news about that as I can. I don't think I can handle one more thing bringing me down. Then I feel guilty for feeling crappy about this bullshit stuff when people in Haiti are suffering with real problems. Bet they'd love to have a messy house to come home to and a fridge full of stuff to stare at while trying to figure out what to make for dinner. And a kid who's biggest problem is stitches and another with a fever, both of which have been treated in a timely manner by top notch medical personnel and both have medicine readily available. Money tight, ha, they're so poor they'd laugh at me for even thinking that.
I'm not liking myself very much right now.