Step One

We admitted that we were powerless over food --- that our lives have become unmanageable.

Unmanageable: Unable to control.
Powerless: Lacking strength; helpless.

Two big words right there. Staring me in the face.

Powerless over food? Until recently I just thought I had no willpower, and was a failure with no self control. I thought the constant eating and sneaking food to satisfy cravings was my own weakness. There was no one to blame but myself. Nothing more, nothing less. The self loathing, disgust and feelings of failure haunted me any time I stopped for fast food or donuts (with the excuse that I wanted coffee), ate when I was already full, piled my plate high and ate bowl after bowl of ice cream after everyone had gone to bed. I'd drop the kids off for a class and head to the nearest food joint to get my "fix." I also would eat when I was happy, sad, tired, angry, the list goes on and on. It's like I was eating over my emotions. Some foods, pizza, soft pretzels, ice cream, pasta, white bread I couldn't stop once I started. These have now been identified as my binge foods or trigger foods. When I ate them I physically craved them for days on end sometimes longer. Powerless over food, you bet, it was like it was whispering to me.

Unmanageable, that's a tough pill to swallow. Who wants to admit defeat. That they have lost control of their lives. That getting out of bed had become a supreme effort. That cooking and cleaning seemed like an overwhelming task. That I kept missing appointments and forgetting obligations. That on more days than I care to admit my kids fended for themselves. That as hard as getting up had become, falling asleep was just as difficult.

I'm working towards completing Step One. If you can't accept Step One nothing else will work. I am powerless over food, it controls me and even though I never woke up from a sugar crash, my poor diet (even a seemingly healthy diet isn't; when you freelance crap food) was finally catching up with my ability to function. Stuffed and overfed I'd sit on the couch, unable and unwilling to move. The physical demands of my job were beginning to wear me down. When you are carrying around 110 lbs of extra weight even walking the dogs was becoming a burden.

Tonight I complete day three of abstinence. I am eating only three meals a day and am not eating my binge foods or any white flour. I'm still working on my food plan. My sponsor is a no nonsense type of woman. I have hope, it's a small amount but it's more than I've had in a very long time.