Over the last few weeks as I explore myself and my habits with my sponsor I have learned a lot about myself. Some stuff I've always known. Some stuff I've known but blocked with denial and other stuff have been completely new to me. I am only beginning this journey.
I've always known I like to have things my own way. But it's one thing to know it in your head and know it in your heart.
Today something happened that might of opened up my heart to it, at least a little bit. Baseball Boy has had a wart on his knee for a while. We tried freezing it with over the counter products but all it did was respond by growing bigger.
Last week we finally admitted defeat and I called the doctor to make an appointment to have it removed. The appointment was this morning. Last Friday afternoon while sliding into second base the wart tore right off. I wasn't there, The Engineer was at the game with him, but reports were that he was okay until other parents started freaking out. In case you didn't know warts bleed a lot. They got the bleeding controlled and he stayed to cheer his team on for the rest of the game but for him the game was over.
This morning at the doctors office the nurse tells us it's better to cut it off then freeze it. They will numb his knee cut it out and then freeze the root. Most of it was torn off anyway and it made sense.
The doctor comes in and she's on a mission. This one didn't waste any time with small talk. Baseball Boy is being brave until she turns around with a syringe, clear liquid dripping from the end of the needle. She wasted no time in going for the knee with the needle. Baseball Boy reaches over and grabs onto me. She takes his leg and just gives him the shot. There are some tears but no hysterical crying. After the knee is numb (which is almost instantaneous) she gets a flexible razor and shaves that thing down. Before I know it she's spraying the spot with the freezing stuff (that's the technical term ;-) ). Explains what to expect and we're done. Both the nurse and the doctor tell Baseball Boy how great he did and leave.
Baseball Boy is fine. I on the other hand am ready to freak out. Not from the blood or the procedure. But because all that happened so fast. They had explained what they were going to do, no surprises there. But when Baseball Boy reached over and grabbed onto me I wanted to stop. Right there and calm him down. When she didn't I felt powerless.
I couldn't wait to get out of the office. I felt like I was about to freak out. I had no control in there, the resulting feelings overwhelmed me. Normally if something like that happens I would bee line it for food. Now I know I can't do that. I have to face the feelings not cover them over.
We get in the car and I ask Baseball Boy how he is. I'm expecting him to be as freaked out as I am. His response surprised me. He said that it wasn't too bad. That he liked the doctor. I asked him why he grabbed me when she came at him with the needle. I thought it was because he wanted her to stop but he told me he just needed to hold all of me and not just my hand. Stopping her would have made it worse for him not better. Stopping her would have only made it better for me because I thought I had to stop her for him. He didn't need that. I needed to control the situation not let Baseball Boy and her control the situation.
I know as his parent it is my job to protect him. But I'm always preaching how you have to let them protect themselves with your guidance. I didn't let him do that, I did what I needed, yeah I thought it was what he needed but I didn't listen to him. He didn't say stop or try to get away after she grabbed his leg. He just rolled to the side and grabbed me.
So I learned a lot today. Baseball Boy applied what I had already taught him. I am proud of him for that. I am proud of myself for seeing that it wasn't about me having to control the situation to make it okay for him, even if it took me time to figure it out. It still took me a while to relax over my lack of control in the doctors office. I'm not totally over it yet. But I see it and that's the first step.
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ReplyDeleteI deleted my previous because of a fat typo.
ReplyDeleteI read this post a litle while ago, and I had to chew on what you said, because it struck a chord with me.
Several months back, the dentist discovered a cavity in Mighty B.'s mouth (not surprising since he doesn't brush thoroughly). We scheduled a follow-up visit for the filling, and the dentist very sternly told me not to give in to temptation and mention the filling to B at all before the next visit. He said it would go much more quickly and easily for him and for B.
I spent that whole patch of time fretting to myself over B's tooth. I've carried a lifelong irrational fear of the dentist - thanks to the hack dentist I saw as a kid - and it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. The Oracle knew, of course, but he had a much easier time with it.
On the day of the appointment, B didn't understand why we were returning. I just told him that the dentist forgot to look at something, and he was in and out in under thirty minutes, Novocaine and all. B never saw or even knew he was given a needle.
Dr. S. told me up front that he wasn't going to pussyfoot around the issue. His tactic was to swoop in, do the job, and get out of the kid's mouth without any fuss.
I wonder whether knowing the doc's approach in advance would have better prepared you for what took place. I know Baseball Boy did what you taught him to do under the circumstance.
Still, this doc clearly knew that the swift approach was the best way to control the situation for someone in Baseball Boy's age group. It would have been nice of her to share that with you the way Dr. S. did with me.