The Things Nighmares are Made Of - The Conclusion

                                    R.I.P. Malka  9/14/2012


Malka never fully recovered from that nightmarish January night.  Mentally she recovered but physically she never got the um-pf back in her step.  On September 10th she stopped eating and couldn't sleep.  No  matter how she laid down she couldn't get comfortable.  This is the Facebook post from September 11th.

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Back from the vet with Malka. Not good. We knew she had early stages of kidney disease and when she got caught in the leg hold trap in January it accelerated from the stress but the last thing I expected was an almost total shut down of her kidneys in the last two days. So the vet did "doggie dialysis" today and I'll continue it at home. She's sound asleep now, which is no surprise since she hasn't been able to sleep for two days. She even ate after dialysis and has kept the food down. She seems comfortable so for right now we take it one day at a time and do our best to give the end of her life the same love and comfort she has given us.
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On September 14th her pain became unbearable to watch and we couldn't bear to let her go on that way.  She passed away peacefully with her family by her side.   I still grieve for her and think about her almost every day. 

Past vs. Present

I miss blogging.  Don't have time for it, but I miss it none the less.  What brought me here was a spam comment that annoyed me.  I went to delete that baby and started reading old posts. 

To put it bluntly I am amazed at how miserable I was at times.  This post really got me thinking about how far I've come in the last three years.

On May 3, 2013 I celebrated three years of abstinence, I have lost and kept off 110 lbs. and have also maintained my sobriety during that time.  Sure my physical health has improved considerably.  No more high cholesterol, no more high blood pressure, no more joint pain (that bad ankle feels much better without having to carry all that extra weight), no more crazy blood sugar spikes and drops leaving me feeling shaky and weak.

The biggest change though has been my mental health.  Who knew abstaining from certain foods and alcohol would make things that seemed impossible easy as pie (yeah, I still describe things using food).  Actually, abstaining from the certain foods and alcohol didn't make the changes, working the twelve steps as outlined in the Big Book of AA did.  Of course, there is no way I could of done the work without having my head cleared of the food/alcohol fog.

Everything is different, yet everything remains the same.  I'm the only thing that's changed in this equation called life.  As Thomas Jefferson said, "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."  The only caveat was my mind was such a mess I couldn't see the forest through the trees.  Doing the step work cleaned that mess up.

Now I live my life like this:  clean house, trust G-d, help others.

By the way, clean house isn't my literal house (although that is much cleaner too), it's the mess that was in my head.  Also, I should note that after cleaning that house out, under all the crap I found secret compartments, where childhood pain and abuse were tucked away.  I tried to just pretend they weren't there.  That attitude almost cost me my sobriety.  I'm working on those compartments now with the help of a therapist.  I'm doing really well.  A few weeks ago my doctor cut the dosage of my last anti depressant in half.  None of this has been easy.  My family and friends have been infinitely patient.

I am blessed beyond belief.

24 Hours

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This is what my kitchen looked like exactly 24 hours after our dishwasher unceremoniously died and poured water all over the kitchen floor.  The Engineer went to work trying to fix it but we had to accept that the end of it's workable life has come. 

I tried to convince people that paper plates were a viable option during this dishwasher free, painful period of our lives but no one was having any of it.  They kept using dishes and glasses despite my logical arguments.  Oh well,  guess what folks, go ahead use whatever you want, but I'm not listening to the whining when your washing all this crap by hand.  And just so we're clear on this matter before us, I'm not washing any of it.  They did clean it up themselves and if they whined I never heard it because I made sure I wasn't home to witness it.

The Engineer spent the weekend researching and shopping for a new dishwasher.  Last Wednesday we picked it up and it was immediately installed.  After it was installed it ran for four loads in a row before you could see the counters again.   There isn't an appliance in this house that rests on it's laurels.  We are a household accustomed to luxury.  Many would argue that a dishwasher is a luxury item, and I can't say I disagree, but when you've spent your whole life with one your perception is definitely coming from a different place. 

Maybe the end of it's life hasn't arrived.  Yesterday morning someone pulled up in front of our house and loaded that dishwasher into the back of their pickup truck.  It made me happy.

They Just Don't Make Things Like They Used To.....

I haven't even had this lap top for a year.  It's still under warranty.  So imagine my surprise when I got the blue screen of death a couple of weeks ago.  Once again I had a warning and backed up my hard drive the day before it died.

It made it in by the warranty date by a couple of weeks.  Usually it's the other way around with the repair people telling me how sorry they are that the warranty just expired.

So I'm grateful it didn't cost me anything to fix it but I gotta tell you that I'd of been screwed if I needed this thing to make a living (and not just the time sucking beast that it is) because it took forever to get it back.  They had to wait for Toshiba to send the "rescue disks".  In this electronic day and age can someone explain to me why repair people had to wait for disks at all?

Sigh, at least I'm back in business.

I Almost Fell Off the Beam Last Night

As an alcoholic I sometimes have "alcohol" thoughts.  Just passing thoughts about having a drink, or sometimes if I'm feeling restless, irritable or discontent I ruminate about how "just one" would take the edge off.  Of course I've never had "just one" in my entire life, so who am I kidding.  Fortunately, not myself.

Last night I'm driving to work and a thought passed on through about how refreshing a gin and tonic would taste.  That thought almost immediately progressed to how good a pitcher would taste.  Followed by how nice it would be to just tie one on and not have to deal with the feelings of irritability, restlessness and discontent that I have been dealing with recently.   

Life on life's terms hasn't been easy lately.  I'm tired, physically and mentally.  I know that while getting drunk sounds like a great way to take a break from reality, it's really a fools dream.  Opening that door is a ticket to hell and the path back out is littered with those who don't survive.

I don't want to go back there, I can't.  So I start making phone calls.  Reaching out to my AA friends is my first line of defense when my disease gets a step up on me.  So I start dialing.  I get someone on the phone and one of the first questions she asks me is, "Is it possible that I ingested something recently that could have triggered the allergy?"  You know what, now that you mention it I had a cold last week and took some cold medicine I've never taken before.  I took it for a few days and then realized that I was getting excited waiting for the next dose to be due.  Normally I don't take anything without looking at the ingredients.  It's just too risky.  But I didn't at the time.  When I realized that I was thinking about the next dose I knew something wasn't right and read the ingredients.  There it was, the second ingredient, alcohol.  Crap!  No more of that medicine.  So I thought about it for a day or two then forgot about it, end of story? Apparently not.  Alcoholism (and food addiction, for that matter) is cunning, baffling and powerful, a week later and the power boost my disease got by me ingesting alcohol is still affecting me.

Last night I came the closest I have ever come to picking up a drink since I've been in recovery.  The important part is I didn't, but that doesn't mean that I won't face this challenge again.

The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of- Follow Up.....

This morning I received a call from my vet.  She was wondering how Malka was doing and wanted to know if we had followed up with the local SPCA.

My personal beliefs are that you take responsibility for your own actions and as much as I was disturbed by what happened the facts are that Malka was not on our property and not under our control and that is why she wandered into a mine field of traps.  What ever my personal beliefs are, trapping is legal in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.  So anyway......

The vet was concerned because state law states that the traps have to be checked every twenty four hours once they are laid out.  Since several of the animals in the area were in various stages of decomposition obviously that had not been happening.  She suggested that I go over and take some pictures and forward them to the SPCA for follow up. 

She's right and I agreed.  I wasn't exactly excited to go there, to say the least, but I felt the purpose was worth it.  The Scientist agreed to show me the way. 

Baseball Boy, who has been working hard to come to terms with what he saw that night, wanted to go.  I didn't think that was a good idea at all, nope not at all.  He actually slept last night for the first time, why would he want to go back and refresh that picture.

Fortunately, I have learned from program and past experience to really listen when someone expresses interest in something instead of just blowing them off because of what I think. 

Baseball Boy makes his case.  He states that a large part of his fear came from the fact it was so dark he felt closed in and trapped.  He said he thinks he would feel better if he saw the area in the day light with me there to help him understand what had happened to the animals.  He also felt that seeing it without Malka laying on the ground would leave him with a better picture to replace the one in his head now.  I found myself agreeing to let him go.  I still surprise myself sometimes.  The Vet didn't want to go, so she stayed home, no explanation necessary.

As we are walking The Scientist and Baseball Boy are pointing out some of the areas they searched that day.  When we get close to the large branch pile we stop.  I confirm that they are up for this, since it's not really necessary for them to go any further.  Both feel they need to face their fear.  I am impressed by their courage.  I didn't want to be there and I wasn't there Saturday night.

As we walk around to the other side of the branch pile they pause.  It's not what they remember at all.  I am relieved.  As much as I would have liked to forward pictures to the SPCA for follow up I really didn't want to see the scene of the crime.  I am far from squeamish,  there was nothing there I hadn't seen before, I just didn't need to add another scene of carnage to the already full catalog in my head.

Who ever owns the traps must have heard what happened because there was not a trap to be found.  The only carcasses were the remains of two deer who had obviously been dressed, and they were together in the pile.  All the other remains were no longer there.  The innards of the deer that had been spread around as bait were gone.   The Scientist and Baseball Boy were able to point out where everything had been, clearly someone had put a lot of effort in cleaning up the scene. 

So there won't be a follow up with the SPCA who really needed pictures to start an investigation.  I don't care, I'm just happy that the traps are no longer laid out.  I'm not naive enough to think that they haven't been moved to another area but at least my children will not have to loose sleep wondering if any animals are losing their life back there every time they walk down that road.

So how's Malka doing:

Malka's injuries were worse than they first appeared but fortunately she's recovering.  Apparently she was in worse shape than we thought originally.  The swelling in her leg has slowly gone down, and she only has a slight limp.  But on Monday morning when I took her out to potty she peed three times in different spots.  Not normal for her.  So I grabbed a urine sample and took it down to the vets.  We had the results later in the day.   Her already weak kidneys had begun to shut down.  They are improving but this caused a sludge type substance (has a fancy name that I can't remember) to be excreted through her urine.  She also has a lot of blood in her urine too.  The kidney failure caused her to not eat.  She needs good food and lots of extra fluid to flush the crap out of her kidneys so they can hopefully heal.  So I broke out one of my get the dog to eat tricks.  You take a pound of chicken livers and put them in a big pot and fill it with water.  Bring it to a boil until the livers are well cooked.  It is gross but just what the doctor ordered for a finicky dog.  A couple of pieces of liver along with a couple of cups of the water from the pot in their regular food and ta da the dog eats and gets extra water too.

Yesterday afternoon for the first time Malka showed definite signs of improvement.  She's eating more heartily and is acting more energetic.  She'll also be on antibiotics for a month so she doesn't develop any secondary infections.  She's had problems with her kidneys before.  In a few weeks we'll rerun the tests to see if her renal function has returned to her baseline normal. 

I'm just happy we have her back.  Even another hour out there and she probably wouldn't of made it.  Every day we have her is a gift.

The Problem with "Learning the Hard Way"

is that sometimes it results in death.  Hopefully not yours (although sometimes that the case) but in this case it was the death of two of our chickens.

When The Scientist was a toddler I used to ask her, "do you want to do it the easy way or the hard way?  The choice is yours."  It didn't take her long to figure out that the easy way was the preferred choice.  Of course this came back to bite me later on when she was forced to do things the hard way to get the result she wanted, but I guess that part of the learning curve too.  As a small aside:  One day we were pulling into a shopping center and she asked what store we were going into and I said, "The hardware store."  She started to cry and said she didn't want to go to the hardware store she wanted to go to the easyware store.  Chalk another one up in the tell your therapist when your 30 column.  Anyway, no surprise, I digress.

In the winter the kids regret having chickens.  It's cold, the wind whips across our yard, it gets dark really early and they eat more, mostly because they are bored but also because they burn more calories keeping warm.  So for three months out of the year there is a lot of complaining about who's turn it is to care for them. 

Well, this winter they started getting lazy about making sure their feeder was always full.  It was rarely empty but instead of constantly filling it they would wait until it was empty to fill it.  The reaction that caused was subtle and not recognized until it resulted in a very painful lesson for them. 

You see hens have a pecking order (pecking/chickens/get it?).  We can't do anything about it and it changes as the birds age, new birds are added to the flock or just because, but if you spend any time observing them you will clearly see who's in charge and who's at the bottom of the order.

So what was happening, unbeknown to the kids, was the chickens were rationing their food because there wasn't a unending supply of food anymore.  The dominant birds were preventing the two birds at the bottom of the order from freely eating.  Even this probably wouldn't of been enough to kill them, they were getting some food.  Then the straw that broke the camels back occurred.

Every now and then one of the hens doesn't make it back into the coop at night.  For whatever reason they fall asleep outside and when the coop gets closed up they wind up spending the night under the stars.  This can be a problem if there are predators in the area but our run is enclosed so that isn't as much of an issue. 

The two hens at the bottom of the pecking order for a reason that will remain unknown didn't return to the coop one night last week.  What made this even stranger was it had been pouring rain all evening and they don't normally like to be out in the rain for long.  The kids are supposed to make sure everyone is in before they close it up, but that doesn't always happen.  It's dark, cold, windy, raining, essentially miserable; no head count usually occurs on those nights.

When the sun came up Baseball Boy went out to open up the coop for the day.  He found Oreo and Jersey laying in the run next to the coop.  Both were soaking wet and had died during the night.  The temperatures had dropped dramatically and I was surprised to find both birds were underweight.  I think that between being wet and too thin they were unable to withstand the cold overnight.

This isn't the first time we've gone out in the morning to find dead hens.  You learn to accept that farm animals do not have the life expectancy of family pets and they in general live a riskier life.  But that doesn't make it any easier on the kids who almost instantly realized what happened and that the birds being underweight contributed to their demise.

So they learned a lesson the hard way, and Oreo and Jersey paid the price.  I'm sure that they would would cry and want to learn it at the easyware store, if only that were possible.

The Stuff Nightmares are Made Of

Malka

Doesn't she look innocent.  Like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.  In previous posts I've referred to her as Houdini.  A nickname that will have to change due to an addition to our clan who now bares the name.  Even though her nickname will change her ability to escape, sadly has not. 

Saturday almost became her last day on earth.  I don't know what was going through her head when she pushed the fence out and slipped away but it was almost a fatal mistake. 

If not for the persistence of three very tenacious children she might not be with us today.  One of whom got an ambulance ride to a local hospital for the effort and Malka who got a ride in a fire rescue truck for her part.  Yes, it was a very interesting day.

As most "interesting" days it started out as any other routine Saturday.  The Engineer and the kids had chores to do and errands to run.  They returned home around four in the afternoon.  Someone let the dogs out and about 15 minutes later the entire course of the next 10 hours changed dramatically. 

It's cold outside and Mickey does not like cold weather.  It took him fifteen minutes to burn off a little energy, do a perimeter check for errant squirrels and bunnies and do his business.  His latest trick is to jump up and ring the door bell when he wants to come in,  when we answer the ring both dogs are usually standing there patiently waiting.  That was not the case yesterday.

Only Mickey greeted The Engineer when he answered the door.  A few minutes later when Malka hadn't returned he started calling her.  The beginning of hours of yelling her name.

Faithful readers know this isn't her first escape.  The few times she has gotten out she returned after we called her.  When she didn't come this time the kids bundled up and started walking, calling her name.  The Engineer got in his car and started driving.  I was at work unaware of the drama playing out at home.

Later on when it became obvious that she wasn't coming back I received my first of many panicked phone calls and text messages from the kids.

As darkness fell along with temperatures the wind picked up and our hopes for finding her plummeted.  We notified local police departments and a large veterinary clinic in the area (the only one open late on a Saturday).   Her tags are up to date and she's micro chipped but that was little consolation with the weather and her lack of street skills.

At 11 PM The Engineer returned home to heat up some soup for some frozen kids who refused to give up.  About fifteen minutes after he got home the kids, who insisted on staying out looking, heard a dog bark.  A quick phone call to The Engineer and all four of them were slogging through a swampy field in the direction they thought the sound came from. 

The wind was whipping across the field so hard that even yelling it was hard to hear.  Nothing else could be heard above the sound of the wind. 

Even with flashlights finding a black dog on a dark, cloudy night seemed hopeless.  As they came across an area with large piles of branches they stopped to listen.  That's where they found her.  Laying silently on the ground, her front paw caught in a trap.  When they bent down to touch her fearing the worst, only the end of her tail barely wagged.  Relief was shortlived when they saw the trap and realized that getting her out of there was not simply going to be a matter of picking her up and hiking back out.  The trap had her paw tight and it was frozen to the ground.

The Engineer, shining his flashlight around looking for something to try and pry the trap up saw what can only be described as a horror movie come to life.  It turned out all three kids and The Engineer were standing amid an entire area layed out with traps all set to snare unsuspecting animals.  A recently gutted deer was spread around as bait, several skinned animals (believed to be foxes) were thrown about and numerous other animal carcasses in varing stages of decomposition were everywhere. 

At work my phone rings and I am instantly relieved that Malka has been found, but my relief didn't last long when the details of their situation became apparent. 

Fortunately, one of the pluses of living in a rural area is the local volunteer fire company still does animal rescues.  Describing their location was a little complicated but it wasn't long before help was on the way. 

As The Engineer tried to reassure the kids and block them from the frigid wind Baseball Boy said he didn't feel good.  Before anyone could respond his eyes rolled back and he fell backwards, passed out cold.  Lifting him up brought him around momentarilly, but Baseball Boy only mumbled something about being tired before going out again.  Once again my cell phone rang and the panic in The Scientist's voice was palpable. 

Another phone call to the fire company and an ambulance was dispatched along with them.  That's when I left work.   The 45 minute ride home took about 30 minutes.  About half way home The Scientist called me with an update.  The Engineer and Baseball Boy are on the way to the hospital and the fire company had brought Malka and the girls back to the house to wait for me.

I walk in the door and I'm greeted by Mickey, his usual exuberance muted, even he realizes that something is wrong.  I find Malka laying on the sofa.  She doesn't lift her head but the tip of her tail is wagging.  The girls are flanking her, both pale, and obviously exhausted, both emotionally and physically.  I quickly check her paw and am relieved to find it firmly attached, it was swollen but didn't appear deformed.  She's too weak to get up so I pick her up and carry her out to the van.  On the way to the emergency clinic I call ahead and they were waiting for us when we arrived.

She is an American Pit Bull Terrier.  Stoic doesn't begin to describe her.  The vet wanted to see if she could stand or walk.  I reluctantly put her down, she wobbles slightly, then pulls herself together.  With some urging she hesitently takes a few steps.  It's obviously painful but she puts weight on her injured paw.  The vet goes over her from head to toe and cleans her injured paw.  She was very lucky.  No bones appear to be broken.  We pack her up and take her home. 

The Scientist, The Vet and Malka all tucked in safely at home and I head to the hospital.  I find Baseball Boy awake and alert with The Engineer sitting by his side.  Baseball Boy is wrapped in what looks like a giant space bag inflated with circulating warm air.  It appears that Baseball Boy was overcome from the combination of hypothermia and stress.  A follow up this week with his doctor should confirm that diagnosis.

Malka's leg this morning was swollen to twice it's normal size.  She can barely walk on it but she's still so exhausted she not in any rush to go anywhere anyway.  We're all tired today and the kids are still processing what they saw last night.

Their tenancity, which can drive me insane sometimes, saved Malka's life.  She wouldn't have survived the night out there.  They wouldn't give up looking for her. 

I bought rebar today to secure the fence where she got out,  Mickey and Malka will not be outside unsupervised until it's repaired.

Is It Food?

I found this really cool graphic on Michael Prager's blog.  He wrote, "Fat Boy, Thin Man", a book that is on my intend to read to list.  If your interested in food addiction or how "Big Foods" are controlling how we eat, head on over and give a read.

I have a lot to say about how many foods today aren't really "food" but it's going to have to wait for another day.   Just wanted to throw this out there and see what you think. 

Death of a Laptop

(Taps playing in the background)..........

My laptop finally succumbed to years of use and abuse. I didn't get the dreaded blue screen; it can't even get that far. I don't know what to do. It's very old, should I replace it (like I have money for that HA HA)? Should I repair it? Are you kidding, they'd laugh at me it's so old. It might not even be worth the money to find out exactly what's wrong.

Fortunately I knew it was going and two days before it dropped dead I backed up the hard drive. That is how I know there is a G-d and he loves me. Because anyone who knows me, knows that only a miracle could override by ability to procrastinate and get that done.

I need advice. All I use the thing for is blogging, email/Internet and downloading photo's from my camera, which I then transfer to CD when I get enough to fill a CD, then delete. I also use it to copy CD's and DVD's.

What should I do?

RIP Rusty's Laptop, you served me well and I'll miss you.

Step One

We admitted that we were powerless over food --- that our lives have become unmanageable.

Unmanageable: Unable to control.
Powerless: Lacking strength; helpless.

Two big words right there. Staring me in the face.

Powerless over food? Until recently I just thought I had no willpower, and was a failure with no self control. I thought the constant eating and sneaking food to satisfy cravings was my own weakness. There was no one to blame but myself. Nothing more, nothing less. The self loathing, disgust and feelings of failure haunted me any time I stopped for fast food or donuts (with the excuse that I wanted coffee), ate when I was already full, piled my plate high and ate bowl after bowl of ice cream after everyone had gone to bed. I'd drop the kids off for a class and head to the nearest food joint to get my "fix." I also would eat when I was happy, sad, tired, angry, the list goes on and on. It's like I was eating over my emotions. Some foods, pizza, soft pretzels, ice cream, pasta, white bread I couldn't stop once I started. These have now been identified as my binge foods or trigger foods. When I ate them I physically craved them for days on end sometimes longer. Powerless over food, you bet, it was like it was whispering to me.

Unmanageable, that's a tough pill to swallow. Who wants to admit defeat. That they have lost control of their lives. That getting out of bed had become a supreme effort. That cooking and cleaning seemed like an overwhelming task. That I kept missing appointments and forgetting obligations. That on more days than I care to admit my kids fended for themselves. That as hard as getting up had become, falling asleep was just as difficult.

I'm working towards completing Step One. If you can't accept Step One nothing else will work. I am powerless over food, it controls me and even though I never woke up from a sugar crash, my poor diet (even a seemingly healthy diet isn't; when you freelance crap food) was finally catching up with my ability to function. Stuffed and overfed I'd sit on the couch, unable and unwilling to move. The physical demands of my job were beginning to wear me down. When you are carrying around 110 lbs of extra weight even walking the dogs was becoming a burden.

Tonight I complete day three of abstinence. I am eating only three meals a day and am not eating my binge foods or any white flour. I'm still working on my food plan. My sponsor is a no nonsense type of woman. I have hope, it's a small amount but it's more than I've had in a very long time.

Malka's Health-update

Yesterday I slid a dish under Malka as she squatted and retrieved a sample of golden liquid. I also got the over the shoulder look of disgust from her to which I have become accustomed.

This morning a call from our vet confirmed our fears. She continues to have a +3 protein reading. Her kidneys are failing. She is still asymptomatic so all news isn't bad but her kidney issue will not resolve itself. She also shows signs of having stones in her bladder so plenty of additional fluids will help the kidneys and dissolve the stone(s). There is no sign of infection or crystals and her PH and specific gravity are normal. All good signs.

There is the option of prescription diet but I gotta tell you after reading the ingredients there is no way. It is loaded with crap protein and fillers. And they have the nerve to charge an arm and a leg for it. I intend to do some research. There has to be some quality low protein foods out there. The vet also recommends adding additional carbs to her diet since it is a way to get her the extra calories her body will need to process protein without adding any additional load to her kidneys.

She still spry and can run Mickey into the ground. She can still do two miles on the bike barely breaking a pant. Squirrels and rabbits still fear for their lives in our yard. She is an American Pit Bull Terrier and true to her breeding she doesn't know the meaning of giving up.

She's not giving up and neither am I. We'll make some changes in her diet. Keep her fluid intake high and continue to make sure she gets plenty of exercise.

Right now she's right where she belongs, curled up on the sofa, sleeping. Oblivious to her condition. It's my job to keep her that way for as long as possible.

People Suck?

Years of working in emergency services have left me jaded and cynical. Or maybe I'm just not very forgiving. Could be I've been let down one to many times by people who I thought I should be able to depend on. Probably all of the above and some other things I can't think of right now.

I've had to deal with leaches, stupidity and self centered bigoted pigs through the course of my career. Family members who hurt you and friends who were really only interested in what they would get from the friendship. Through my work at the vet's office and my interest in dog rescue I have seen some pretty horrible offenses brought upon man's best friend.

I've learned to peel those people from my daily life. I no longer allow them to affect my day to day living. I think it's one of the reasons why I feel so close with my dogs. They accept me for who I am. They forgive me for my shortcomings. Really forgive, not say they forgive then toss it back at me at a later date. I look at them and their shoddy beginnings and say if they can shake it off and look ahead then so shall I.

I can't avoid these types of people through my day to day job. After all, I'm paid to help them no matter how ridiculously stupid their request or how big of a sponge on the community as a whole they are. It's hard to remember that not all people are like that.

I have a few close friendships that I cherish. I have a few close family members that I know will be there for me and I for them. I've tended to take a pretty negative look at the rest of the world. I try not to but I'm not very successful.

I hear ya, "okay, okay, so what's the point?"

Today I went to my second OA meeting. When I looked around the room I saw people who I would consider to be from all walks. But when they talked they all have the same core issues. And every one of them was courteous, listened and encouraging to those around them. I have no idea what these people are like outside but in that room they all wanted what was best for everyone there and a little help for themselves. During that period of time nobody sucked.

My heart can't take much more of this......

First some fucking idiot obviously visually impaired person pulls out in front of a large fully loaded dump truck.

Then my children melt down in a screaming ball of flames.

And the final blow to my already suffering cardiac system comes from my always dependable girl Malka. I put them out while I do a final check of my email. Mickey goes and does his usual race around the yard to make sure no squirrels and/or bunnies have invaded while he was inside, does his business and comes back in. Malka also does her nightly patrol but she likes to stay out a little longer so she normally doesn't come back right away. So I'm in here goofing off on the computer and Mickey is curled up on the sofa, snoring. All of a sudden I realize that it's been a while and no Malka. I wasn't to concerned, she doesn't always bark to come back in, sometimes she'll just sit on the porch and wait for you to realize she's still outside. So I check the back door, no Malka. I call her and she doesn't come. No biggie she's probably by the front door and she can't hear me. So I head to the front door, flip on the light, but no Malka. Heart rate increases slightly. I call her and there is no response. She always comes, heart rate increases. I go get shoes on and find a flashlight (miracle of all miracles the batteries actually work). I'm really nervous now because I half expected to find her standing at the front door when I return. I'm hoping the brat took her time strolling back after I called her. I open the door and am crestfallen at the empty front porch. I call her again, no response. The last time this happened she was across the road at the neighboring farmhouse. So I walk out in to the yard and pan the light around. I see two shiny eyes way down at the very bottom edge of our property. I call to the shiny eyes and they start running my way. You never, ever get mad at a dog that you have called to come. You can't even pretend to be happy and be mad because they can read you like an open book. So I do my best "so nice of you to come sweetie" impression, when really I wanted to grab her and yell at her not to scare me like that. She's curled up next to me now, snoring, oblivious to the years she shaved off my life.

I can't take this kinda stress anymore.

Open Mouth Insert Foot....

You know I never know when to shut up. Along with the malfunctioning filter that runs between my brain and my mouth, I often get myself in trouble. Okay, trouble might be too strong of a word, but I can definitely annoy some people.

Two things today showed that there have been no improvements for me in these areas. First, today was our monthly Afternoon with the Arts. It's a home school thing we do where the kids get to each show off something they did or can do. Like artwork, poetry and playing a musical instrument. They have to do it in front of an audience. Then afterward we have high tea for the kids, with finger food, and do a quick etiquette lesson. You know the whole shebang, cloth napkins, real china tea cups, place cards and practicing making small talk. Okay, I know, I know, I digressed. Eventually you'll get used to it. So anyway, who shows up today but the Girl Scout Leader who I previously had issue with. She has been avoiding me since our little to-do. I walk in the door and she's standing right there. She looks like a deer trapped in a snare, she wants to run but can't without being a total ass. So instead of saying a quick hi and letting her escape I make small talk. Forcing her to stay and talk to me for a few moments. It is probably the worst 3 minutes of her day and I thoroughly enjoyed it. After I let her go she was very careful to avoid me the rest of the afternoon. I knew I accomplished what I set out to do. Oh, the small things that bring me joy.

The other thing didn't bring me joy, in fact it bummed me out. I'm not sure what to do with this one. While on the road today we called IT Guy to wish him a happy birthday. After the traditional singing of Happy Birthday on speaker phone by the kids I take the phone. During the conversation I apologize for backing out of having him and his family over for our Passover Seder that I canceled due to an unexpected marathon shift at work. He said no problem and then tells me he doesn't even think we need to invite him over for it since they don't understand or contribute to the seder and they are not raising their kids Jewish. I let him know that he's stuck doing these things since he's the only local family I have. We have cousins out of state who sometimes make it but they can't always. Besides the whole reason for the seder is to tell the story and to learn. Every time I go to or have a seder I learn something new. So he agrees and sees my point. But could I stop there, no I couldn't. I had to open my mouth and continue on. I said I wanted them to be familiar with our traditions, especially his kids so they would understand their cousins religion. Especially since we are practicing Jews. It's hard enough when strangers have no clue about your religion or traditions but to have family members in the same boat is somehow worse. I could hear it in his voice. His discomfort level went up a couple of notches. Even though I have assured him numerous times that how he raises his kids is their decision and not a concern of mine I still get the feeling that he is not comfortable even talking about their choices. I know it's a sensitive issue for him so why don't I quit while I'm ahead. I don't know, maybe it's leftover Jewish Mother Guilt or something but I wish I could get it through his head that I just want them to join us and be a part of it because it's important to my family and we want them to share it with us and nothing more.

Two sides of the same coin. Will I ever learn to control it?

Prayers for my Puppies-update

We got the results back from the blood work. Malka's didn't show anything more than we already knew. She will continue on the antibiotics and extra fluids for two more weeks then we will retest her. Since we really don't know how old she is, we've only been guessing, and since pit bulls age so gracefully, she could be much older than we think. That's what continues to worry me. She's going to need your continued prayers.

Mickey's blood work came back great. That hunk of muscle is healthy as a horse and his liver function is perfect.

Prayers for my Puppies

Please keep my fur kids in your thoughts and prayers. Both of them are having some health problems right now. We thought they had urinary tract infections but the urinalysis came back showing Malka had a +3 protein in her urine and Mickey had a +2 bilirubin.A +3 protein means there is a problem with kidney function. It should be zero. A +2 bilirubin could indicate a problem with liver function. The number should be a negative number.

Later today both will be having follow up blood work.

Both are asymptomatic at this time for kidney or liver problems and the vet said not to worry because urinalysis isn't the most accurate way to test bilirubin and Malka had a recent UTI that may of caused some infection to travel to her kidneys. She will continue on antibiotics for now until we get a more accurate picture.

I'm trying not to worry. It's not working.

BSL - The Harsh Reality

Breed-specific legislation (BSL) bans or restricts certain types of dogs based on their appearance because they are perceived as “dangerous” breeds or types of dogs.

It is a cruel type of law that does nothing to protect people and punishes responsible dog owners. It's just another example of a feel good law. They are costly both financially and to the responsible owners of the targeted breeds.

Picture this if you will. You've had a dog for years. It is a loyal family pet. Your town has a problem with loose dogs roaming the streets. You never paid much attention to it though because you don't let your dog roam. You're pet is neutered and receives regular veterinary care. Some of these roaming dogs attack a jogger and he is severely injured. The person identifies these dogs at pit bulls. The local media grabs onto the story and they next thing you know some legislator is writing up a law to ban "pit bull" dogs in your town. Right now let's just gloss over the point that a "pit bull" isn't even a breed. People are freaking out. They demand that something be done.

Now in the beginning pit bull owners didn't believe that something like this would happen. This is America after all. Common sense would prevail. They were sure of it. They wouldn't punish responsible dog owners? After all, even identifying a "pit bull" is not as easy as it sounds. Jump on over to this site and take the test. Then let me know how many times it took you to get the right answer.

Well, in many areas common sense didn't prevail. Laws were passed and thousands of family pets were turned into shelters and destroyed. Or confiscated by animal control to meet the same fate. All it took was a phone call from a disgruntled neighbor and you're beloved family pet could be seized. Pit bull owners who wouldn't part with their dogs moved out of the towns or went underground with their dogs. Afraid to walk them in public they hid them. They would forgo veterinary care for fear of their pet being seen in public. As I type this I am reminded of how Jews in Europe hid and feared for their lives as the Nazi's took control.

Let's not feel comfortable by thinking you're safe because you don't own a pit bull. They are not the only targeted breed. There are 75 breeds of dogs that are targeted by BSL for one reason or another. Some you would expect to see on the list. Pit Bulls, Rottweilers, German Shepard Dogs, and Akitas are a few. What caught me by surprise was seeing the Labrador Retriever, Airedale Terrier and Australian Shepherd on the list. Want an eye-opener, google "BSL lists" and take a look at how ridiculous it is. Somewhere in this country some town has decided that the Pug is just to dangerous to live there.

One thing that scares me is you don't even have to live in these towns to have your dog taken from you. If you're breed is on this list and you travel through an area with BSL they can and will take your dog. There are many stories of this happening but one story sticks in my mind. A couple was traveling down Int 95 through Prince Georges County, MD when they got a flat tire. Their dog a female American Pit Bull Terrier was in the car with them. A police officer pulled up to help them and seeing the dog confiscated it. The next morning their lawyer filed an appeal to get their dog back. They were notified that the dog had been destroyed after being brought in the night before.

There are groups all over the country fighting these laws. They have had some success, but it isn't easy. Study after study has shown that these laws don't work. There are laws, when enforced, that will protect people from dangerous dogs. They are working.

Dog bites in this country have been on the decline for years. Even as the number of dogs in this country has more than doubled during the same time period.

So what do you do? Be proactive. Get to know your lawmakers and talk to them about your concerns before something happens to bring up the subject. Make sure your dog is a breed ambassador. Get them out in the world so people can meet real pit bull owners and their dogs. Most importantly don't pretend that it can't happen where you live.

In the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania BSL has been deemed unconstitutional and is against the law. That hasn't stopped several communities from enacting these laws. They are being challenged in the court systems. I watch these cases like a hawk. Where we used to live our local representative knew me, how I felt and had met my dogs. The kids wrote letters asking him to protect our dogs from BSL. Now that we live in a new area we have to start over. But that's okay it will just be another person on our side.

Punish the deed, not the breed.

How the heck did a full time working Mom wind up being a homeschooling SAHM? Part 2-Live or Die

Some people say if they didn't have bad luck they'd have no luck at all....

I think that's a load of crap. I'm more of an everything happens for a reason type person. As you've probably figured by now the rabies test came back positive. I had been bitten by a rabid cat. And just to make it a little more interesting 3 days had gone by between the time of the bite and when we found out.

I get my hiney over to the hospital to start the rabies vaccine series. The doctor was pissed. Why did I wait three days? Do I know that once symptoms start you're dead? You should have come over right after you were bitten. Okay already! So what should I be looking for? Numbness and/or tingling at the bite site is one of the early signs. The problem with that symptom was I had that before I was bitten. Years of typing while entering emergency calls for dispatch had left me with a well established case of carpel tunnel syndrome. They said it would travel up my arm if it was rabies. So how long until I know for sure if I didn't start the shots in time. Ten days. So in ten days I'll know. Live or die. I spent a lot of time thinking about those three little words; live or die.

One of my only true fears is dying before my children are grown. Now I was facing that head on. The question was, had I given them everything I could while I had the chance? I didn't like the answer. Ten longs days and ten sleepless nights. Did I have regrets? Would I get a second chance?

Up until that time I was pretty darn pleased with the way things were going in my life. I honestly believed that if I died I would have no regrets. So why when that became a real possibility did all my answers change. Did I just not know better or was it denial of my true feelings? To this day I'm not really sure.

So ask yourself. If you died tomorrow, what would you regret? What didn't you do? I know some people who are making up lists of things they want to do before they die. I think it's kinda neat and might just do it myself. But a much more interesting list would be what do I need to change in my life right now so that I would have no regrets dying tomorrow. The lists may overlap in places but my goal would be to have nothing on the regrets list and something always on the to do list.

I'm still here. The shots were not fun but not as bad as I'd heard they would be. I was grateful they were available. The worst part was getting lectured by the doctors everytime I had to go to the ER to get the next in the series.

To this day I don't know why I went to work everyday during those ten days. I guess there was still a chunk of denial in the way. I certainly would not regret missing work if I was going to die. So why would I waste what little time I had left there. But I didn't ask those questions right away. In fact, it was almost 18 months later before I did.

That time I paid attention.....

No good deed goes unpunished...

This was the post on Facebook today from a certain troop leader I know. The temptation to comment "you can say that again" under it was strong and I'm still not sure I'm going to be able to resist doing it.

As you now know we wrapped up cookie sales today. About two weeks ago our service unit cookie manager (SUCM) told me that we appear to be the top selling troop in her unit. All the numbers were not in but it was looking good for us. I don't even remember if I mentioned it to the other Cookie Mom. It was mentally filed under "I'll worry about that later." As things were coming to a close the SUCM met the other Cookie Mom and again mentioned to her that it looked like our troop was top sellers. We figured it would be really cool to be the ones to tell the girls.

So imagine our surprise, hurt, disappointment, and let down when one of the leaders posts to the GS Yahoo group that our group was the top seller. Then follow that up by the other leader posting how many boxes we sold and about how much money she figured we made. Talk about jumping the gun. All our final paperwork wasn't even done at this time. This was the response that the other Cookie Mom and I sent.

Hey (leader),

It's wonderful news and we are all very happy about how well the girls did. However, we were really looking forward to telling the girls ourselves. We worked pretty hard so the girls had the opportunity to make this a success and we wanted to share in their celebration when they found out. One of the only perks to being Cookie Mom(s) is being able to announce to the girls their success and hand out their prizes. We had hoped to be the ones to make this particular announcement.

We don't want to start a big to-do, we just wanted to let you know how we feel.
Cookie Mom 1 and Cookie Mom 2

PS. It is not necessary to thank us for our work. We were happy to do it for the girls, really.

Well, the response from the leader was quick and nasty. We didn't expect her to be happy but you would have thought we accused her of high treason. Her first complaint was that we responded directly to her email so it went to the group. Well yeah, if there is any hope of the moms not telling their daughters we needed to get that word out. Second complaint was that we attacked and berated her for announcing this. I didn't think so, in fact Cookie Mom 2 made me tone down the response, you should have seen my rough draft. She accused us of saying she had "evil intentions" and we were just mad because she "stole our thunder", which wasn't her intention. Please, dear reader, do you see any of that in our response. I assure you it wasn't even in my rough draft. We were upset, but not because we thought she did it intentionally to hurt us, just that she didn't consider that this might be something we'd like to announce. Let's not even get into the fact that this information wasn't even confirmed

So here's where we screwed up. In the beginning we had a problem in our troop. See, nobody in their right mind wanted to be cookie mom. So through a string of emails we decided to form a Cookie Team. The Cookie Team had a meeting. At the meeting we had the two leaders and us. First thing, right off the bat one of the leaders (who happens to be the one we are now having an issue with) informs us that she can be a part of the "team" but she is much too busy to be expected to actually do anything. The other leader told us she could help in the beginning but that she was going away on vacation for 3 weeks in the middle of cookie sales, and she's leaving in two weeks, so she would do what she could before she left. So we talk about what we need to know to get started and we each take "assignments". Since the one leader made it clear she didn't have time for this all she had to do was pick up some permission slips from the SUCM (who lives less than a mile from her house) and bring them to the next troop meeting in a week. The other leader was going to try to set up some booths at a bank. At the meeting we ask for the permission slips and she said she didn't get them but we could just go get them now if we wanted, which we did. So she now dumped the one thing she said she'd do right back in our lap. Okay, so much for that team member. So the other leader gets some booths set up and leaves for vacation. While on vacation she tries to stay in touch via email for the booths but it was getting to confusing with her away since most of the parents were approaching us to make the arrangements. So the Cookie Team became Cookie Mom 1 and Cookie Mom 2. We didn't bother to clarify this with our other "team members" since we were too damn busy actually doing the work. So the sale is wrapping up and CM1 and CM2 have everything under control. Damn, I digressed again. I was supposed to be telling you how we screwed up. We didn't tell the other two members of our so called Cookie Team that we planned to make the announcements to the girls and hand out their incentive prizes at a meeting. You know with everything going on you'd think we would have taken them into consideration. I mean I don't know why we wouldn't have told them. It's really only common courtesy considering all their hard work. Oh, wait a minute I have that backwards. Silly me. I'm all over the place aren't I.

So I'm wondering if it's just me. I mean with the weight of Jewish Mother Guilt always over my head sometimes it hard to know if I'm the guilty rotten party. I also sometimes get mired down by common sense. I forget that not everyone possesses that trait. So at close out we run our dilemma past our SUCM. See we lucked out, our SUCM is a life time super Girl Scout. Not only did this woman go through the entire girl scout program, she has been a troop leader, service unit manager and a cookie manager and her mother was some big boss honcho at Girl Scout HQ. This woman knows her Girl Scout stuff. So after running past her what happened she apologizes profusely for telling the leader that we might be top sellers, she had no idea this woman would do such a thing. She even said she'd remove her from the email list for cookie information if we wanted. She said what she did was totally inappropriate and that it is supposed to be the Cookie Mom(s) who gets the joy of sharing all the final numbers with the girls.

So now the other leader (who's back from vacation jumps in and wants to know how the Cookie Team became two Cookie Moms. After I explained it to her she didn't respond to my email. Guess she got my point. Oh and I cc that one to the other leader too, you know in case she was wondering.

The other Cookie Mom also sent a response to the leaders. Guess they got tired of it and never even responded to her. At least at this point anyway.

So my final line of my final email to them was "So please, if it involves cookie stuff, please run it past CM1 or CM2 before going to the group. It's all we're asking."

In the end the one leader (the one who posted the offending email) apologized. We said it was wrong of us to assume you knew these things. I'm sure they didn't pick up on the sacasm in that statement. I can tell you we have two very unhappy leaders who know they are between a rock and a hard place with this. Can you guess why? No hints..... Scroll down when you're ready to compare your answer.
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Because we did a great job, they know it and they know no one else in the troop is going to do it if we don't. So they are stuck with us as Cookie Moms. And as much work as it was we enjoyed it and the satisfaction we got from helping the girls reach their goals and do so well was sweet. So we're going to do this again next year. So suck it up ladies, tomorrow's a new day.