Open Mouth Insert Foot....

You know I never know when to shut up. Along with the malfunctioning filter that runs between my brain and my mouth, I often get myself in trouble. Okay, trouble might be too strong of a word, but I can definitely annoy some people.

Two things today showed that there have been no improvements for me in these areas. First, today was our monthly Afternoon with the Arts. It's a home school thing we do where the kids get to each show off something they did or can do. Like artwork, poetry and playing a musical instrument. They have to do it in front of an audience. Then afterward we have high tea for the kids, with finger food, and do a quick etiquette lesson. You know the whole shebang, cloth napkins, real china tea cups, place cards and practicing making small talk. Okay, I know, I know, I digressed. Eventually you'll get used to it. So anyway, who shows up today but the Girl Scout Leader who I previously had issue with. She has been avoiding me since our little to-do. I walk in the door and she's standing right there. She looks like a deer trapped in a snare, she wants to run but can't without being a total ass. So instead of saying a quick hi and letting her escape I make small talk. Forcing her to stay and talk to me for a few moments. It is probably the worst 3 minutes of her day and I thoroughly enjoyed it. After I let her go she was very careful to avoid me the rest of the afternoon. I knew I accomplished what I set out to do. Oh, the small things that bring me joy.

The other thing didn't bring me joy, in fact it bummed me out. I'm not sure what to do with this one. While on the road today we called IT Guy to wish him a happy birthday. After the traditional singing of Happy Birthday on speaker phone by the kids I take the phone. During the conversation I apologize for backing out of having him and his family over for our Passover Seder that I canceled due to an unexpected marathon shift at work. He said no problem and then tells me he doesn't even think we need to invite him over for it since they don't understand or contribute to the seder and they are not raising their kids Jewish. I let him know that he's stuck doing these things since he's the only local family I have. We have cousins out of state who sometimes make it but they can't always. Besides the whole reason for the seder is to tell the story and to learn. Every time I go to or have a seder I learn something new. So he agrees and sees my point. But could I stop there, no I couldn't. I had to open my mouth and continue on. I said I wanted them to be familiar with our traditions, especially his kids so they would understand their cousins religion. Especially since we are practicing Jews. It's hard enough when strangers have no clue about your religion or traditions but to have family members in the same boat is somehow worse. I could hear it in his voice. His discomfort level went up a couple of notches. Even though I have assured him numerous times that how he raises his kids is their decision and not a concern of mine I still get the feeling that he is not comfortable even talking about their choices. I know it's a sensitive issue for him so why don't I quit while I'm ahead. I don't know, maybe it's leftover Jewish Mother Guilt or something but I wish I could get it through his head that I just want them to join us and be a part of it because it's important to my family and we want them to share it with us and nothing more.

Two sides of the same coin. Will I ever learn to control it?

Reason #3 why we homeschool

The Dramatic Rise of Anxiety and Depression in Children and Adolescents: Is It Connected to the Decline in Play and Rise in Schooling?

by Dr. Peter Gray

Someone posted this article on one of my home school groups. It's got it's share of psychological gobbley gook but cut through that and it makes some thought provoking points.

In our quest to "prepare" our children for their future are we damaging the foundation that their future rests on?

When I found out that our local school district only had half day kindergarten I was appalled. What the heck are they going to accomplish in 2 1/2 hours. Then when I found out that a short recess was apart of that time I just knew that this was going to be a complete waste of time. It's amazing how much I've changed since my first born boarded the school bus for her first day of school. Back then, for me, school was the best place for my kids to learn. They were giant sponges and school was the ocean of information where they could absorb all of it. They needed to be there to gain the knowledge to succeed. HA, how naive I was.

By sending my kids off to school the opposite of what I expected happened. They went from sponges to rocks. Sinking instead of absorbing. My oldest went from being a curious, questioning, excited about learning kid to a miserable, bored kid. Depression and anxiety was starting to rule her life by the end of first grade. There was no room for pleasure in learning when everything she did was micromanaged. Even if she finished her work early she was made to sit quietly and was punished for "sneaking" a book under her desk to read. Kids today don't even get away from it when they come home. Even in first grade they have homework and projects. By the time she finished all that she didn't even want to pick up a book and read for pleasure. She was too tired to go out and play. She just wanted to veg out in front of the TV for some mindless entertainment.

Child specialists say you should expose your child to as much as possible when they are young. Doesn't that contribute to the over scheduling that our children (and us) live with daily. Isn't too many choices adding to our anxiety and stress levels. Maybe we should go back to letting kids be kids and not filling their time with activities. It's something I need to work on myself.

By treating all children like they were cut from the same mold and by expecting them to all follow the same path we are destroying their creativity and individuality. We file them into classrooms and teach to a test. Grades are more important than learning. School is a period in their life that they just want to get through. Kids today often feel like their life is over before they reach their senior year in high school. Many of them don't even know what they want to do because they have had their hands held for so long they can't make a decision without help. Oh, they can give you open ended answers like go to college or join the military but what direction do they want to take there, so many kids just have no idea.

I hope you take the time to read the article. My ramblings don't even touch the surface of what the article was about. Even if you don't completely agree with it you can't deny that children today suffer from anxiety and depression in record numbers. Unlike what I call the "syndrome of the week" I believe that anxiety and depression really are becoming epidemic in our children.

Overscheduled

In the last two weeks I have not had a minute to myself. Hours of sleep have been given up just to provide you, faithful readers with entertainment and a look into my twisted view of things.

Cookie Mom duties are coming to a close and it's been a time sucker that's for sure. I'll deny it if anyone asks but it was kinda fun, most of the time. Mainly because the other half of this cookie team made it that way. Getting some blog fodder out of it helped too.

I'm getting ready to test for my last stripe before a belt test in karate and I have not had a moment to practice. At this rate I'll be 50 before I get there. The Engineer makes time to practice, so why can't I you ask? Well, let us see how things go. As an example: Monday night I go to work and The Engineer is home playing Mr. Mom. On the way home from work I grocery shop and I arrive home at about 10PM to find Mr. Mom sitting on the sofa "resting" after spending the last two hours practicing his karate. All three kids dive into the groceries looking for anything quick to eat because what do you know, Mr. Mom hadn't made dinner yet. Yep, he got that workout in but dinner just had to wait. So I made dinner, fed the troops and sent them off to bed. Mr. Mom told me how tired he was, took a shower and went to bed. Mom's are just not wired to be able to blow off feeding the kids just to get in a workout. After some rewiring that night Mr. Mom may rethink his decision next Monday when I go to work.

Schoolwork, theater class, reading club, library trips, boys book club, cookie duties, cookie booths, gym day, play dates, religious school, hamantashen dough for The Vet's class, flour exploded all over the kitchen from hamantashen dough, an extra run to the grocery store because we didn't have enough vanilla for said hamantashen dough, work, karate, violin lessons, piano lesson, guitar lessons, grocery shopping, and for some reason everyone who has ever known me has called me on the phone this week. Tired yet?

Why do men call their wives on the phone and ask them to make a phone call?

We are supposed to get hit with another major snowstorm over the next few days. I can't wait! I might actually get to stay home and do some laundry. Baseball Boy hasn't had socks for a week.

Just another reason

This morning I'm wasting time reading through my home school groups and there is a post titled, OT - What do you do for Lent? Since the woman who posted it is a secular homeschooler I figured it would be an interesting topic so I take a peek. She is interested in what people do, if anything, for Lent. Two people answer and give very informative responses. My knowledge of Lent previously fit on a pin head, now I have a much better understanding. But, once again, a certain group member, who also happens to be one of the 1st graders from Girl Scouts, has something to say about it. She is a well known, quite vocal (read: know it all), Fundamentalist Christan. Every time someone posts a question regarding religion, no matter what the religion she sticks in her two cents. My other favorite part is at some point in the conversation someone will give something they do with their kids and she will inevitably comment about how she is going to do that with her daughter, yeah right. Today she said she used to be Catholic but now she is in a bible based church. She always has to stick that in there too. If she would of just talked about what she used to do I could have seen her relevance in this thread. But nope, not her, four posts later she's still going on about it. Posting internet sites etc... The internet can be useful for getting information but the original poster wanted personal thoughts and ideas, she could have looked it up (probably already had) on her own if that is the type of information she wanted. One of the other people who commented checked one of the sites she talked about and was offended by it. It provided a very negative interpretation of Lent and said the observers of Lent were "vain". 1st Grade Mom then had the chutzpah to come back at her and tell her that up until two years ago she was Catholic and that she holds these practices VERY (her emphasis, not mine) close to her heart. Oh yea, so close, that's why she's now with a bible based church. After her nasty comment back to the person she offended no one else commented on the thread. I wondered if anyone else would have contributed to this if 1st Grade Mom wouldn't of hijacked the thread. Just another reason why my urge to start a secular group continues to grow.

Early homeschooling conversation

The Scientist has her head buried in an encylopedia......

Me: Will you put that encylopedia down and do your schoolwork!!!!

My homeschooling friends laughed because it's such a common attitude for new homeschoolers. My public school friends made comments like: Well just because she's homeschooled doesn't mean she can do whatever she wants.

The longer I homeschool the more I realize how little it is about "school" and how much it is about learning.

Bring your unsaved friends

Like most homeschoolers I belong to several homeschooling groups. Three of them are "inclusive" and one is for Jewish homeschoolers.

You know when you hear the word inclusive you think that all will be invited. For the most part this is true. But what reality has shown me over the last four years (holy time frame Batman, has it been that long?) is that inclusive also means they get to throw their opinion in your face without regard for your opinion or feelings. We have one group in particular that I have enjoyed being a member of and have made several friends. There were several active members that decided that inclusive wasn't good enough for them and started their own "Christian Homeschoolers" group. They are no longer active in the original group and stick almost exclusively to their group.

Recently an email went around our inclusive group advertising a class that would teach why evolution was bunk and why creation was the true beginnings of humanity. I am not offended by these types of emails. I feel free to use my delete key. But (there does seem to be a lot of but's lately), the last sentence of this email said, "Bring your unsaved friends." Now that offended me, big time. I tried to hit delete, I really did, but my cursor swerved and the next thing I knew I was feverishly typing a reply.

I was not the only one who couldn't bring themselves to just hit delete and a firestorm ensued. The person who originally sent the email said she was just forwarding it from someone else. Several people tried to justify the comment by saying that no offense was intended. I can handle that, but when a whole group of people tell you that they were offended why would they still insist that it is okay to use the term unsaved. Maybe originally you didn't mean it as hurtful but after being told by a certain sect of Christain's that I am doomed and destined to go to hell because I haven't been saved, well I have to tell you, after that it gets offensive. Most of them never did understand our feelings on the subject and eventually the moderators of the group told everyone to drop it. I did, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

If I said something and it offended that many people I would apologize and make an effort not to say it again. All we were asking for was the same courtesy.

Reason #104 why we homeschool

When I read a post like this, then follow up by reading the article that it refers to it just gives me even more confidence in our decision to homeschool.

Homeschoolers who give the rest of us a bad name.

Hot Topic Alert: This may piss you off so proceed at your own risk.

The local library used to run a reading group for early readers. It was set up for homeschoolers. The librarian would read a short children's story then they'd talk about it and do a craft. I wanted Baseball Boy to go but since his only experience with reading in a group setting came in kindergarten he wasn't exactly excited about going. But I got it stuck in my head that he was going whether he liked it or not. So I signed him up and dragged him to the library. He begged me to sit in with him. The deal was I'd sit in the back for as long as he needed me but he had to pay attention to the librarian, not keep looking at me. So the librarian reads the story. I forget which one it was but it was a typical kid story. Totally secular. So then she moves on to the Q&A part. There is this little girl and little boy sitting right up front. Every question she asks they are waving frantically. Each time they are called on they answer the question by saying "Jesus would do this" or "Jesus made this happen", on and on with everything relating back to Jesus. Even when another kid would answer they would just burst out with their Jesus account. Baseball Boy was beside himself. He's never even heard of this guy Jesus, except maybe in passing and now these kids are totally interjecting him into the story. The librarian is trying to steer the questioning back to center but it was futile. Finally, she gave up and just redirected the kids to the tables to do the craft. When it was over Baseball Ball wanted to stay to talk to the librarian. I gotta tell you, I was a little nervous about it. I had been unnerved by the whole experience and really just wanted to get out of there. So Baseball Boy patiently waits for everyone to leave and asks the librarian if there was a part of the story that he missed because he listened to the whole thing and doesn't remember Jesus being talked about. The librarian, who probably felt like she was crossing a minefield, just told him that "No, there was nobody named Jesus in the story but the two kids probably knew a story that reminded them of this one with him." He was okay with that but we talked about it several times throughout the day and he never really got comfortable with what had happened. He didn't want to go back and I didn't make him. I get very tired of people who raise their children to believe that their way is the only way. It's not the American way. It breeds hate and ignorance. Sure we all want to believe that we've got all the answers but the truth is we don't really know, whether you want to hear it or not it's the truth. When I was 10 years old my best friends mother (a devout Catholic) asked me if I was afraid of going to Hell because I didn't believe Jesus was our messiah. I said I didn't believe that would happen because G-d wouldn't send his children to hell. She said, "What if your wrong." Well I guess I'm going to hell then, what do you want me to say. Of course she was drunk at the time, not uncommon for her, but it taught me a valuable lesson in ignorance. Nobody knows..you won't know until you're dead. I don't worry about when I'm dead. I worry about what's happening now, trying to be the best person I can be now.

The Scientist

Behind my back I've heard them whisper, "What does she have to worry about? Her kid is gifted!"

I've had this said too many times, to my face and behind by back. What most people don't understand is that being gifted isn't all it's cut out to be and being parents of a gifted kid is no walk in the park. Perceptions of gifted kids range from every kid is gifted to there is no such thing as gifted and they are only like that because they have parents that push them. There are lots of parents who push their kids, just look around, they're over scheduled, afraid of making mistakes, they play a different sport each season, sometimes more than one, play a musical instrument, or two, they don't have a minute to themselves. They are involved in tons of after school activities, they eat dinner in the car more often than not. By the end of middle school they are burned out and miserable. It doesn't matter whether or not they are gifted.

I read a list one time that gave a bunch of questions and in the end you had a pretty good idea if your kid was gifted or just really smart. I haven't found it again but it hit the nail right on the head. Only one of the questions had to do with traditional learning. Everything else involved how the child reacted to different circumstances.

Gifted is more than about how "smart" someone is or what their IQ is. If it was just about that it would be easy to be gifted and to be the parent of a gifted kid. They would just suck up information around them and then go on to cure cancer or solve global issues. But being gifted involves sensitivities to things, a greater understanding of things that they are not really emotionally mature enough to process, they take everything to heart and get extremely upset from things that most kids would just let roll off their shoulders. They have well developed sense of right and wrong and can become very upset by issues of global problems, famine, pollution, war and starving children. They see a problem and can't understand why it has to be that way. They feel these things and become weighted down by them. Intense sensitivity can cause gifted children to take criticism, or even general anger, very personally. Many times the weight of this causes many highly gifted children to suffer a form of depression called existential depression.

They often are misdiagnosed as ADHD, LD or Asperger's (a mild form of Autism). They often appear distracted but are just more aware of what's around them and their brain can process faster so they already have it and have moved on but you think they aren't paying attention. When The Scientist was in public school they felt she had Aspergers because she couldn't relate with other students. The school counselor related a story of her studying a patch of ice in the school yard during recess and becoming "overly" upset when other students broke the ice. The school authorities felt she should spend her time trying to interact with the other kids instead of looking at ice. She said there were interesting things in the ice and she was trying to figure out what they were. She also had a hard time talking to other kids because they didn't understand a lot of the words she used and thought her jokes were weird. This caused her a lot of distress and to withdraw from kids. To this day she prefers the company of adults to her peers.

Asynchronous Development: In gifted children their emotion, intellectual and physical development is out of sync. Imagine you have a 4 year old that reads like an 8 year old is physically like a 5 year old but emotionally is about 3 years old. This causes challenges in every aspect of their life, and as a parent you often feel like your slipping back and forth in time. One minute you're being drained of every piece of information you may possibly know about the rotation of the earth and with their intense questioning starting to wonder when it will possibly end. Then a moment later you're dealing with a temper tantrum of epic proportions over them not getting chocolate sprinkles on their ice cream because you only had rainbow available.

Raising a gifted child or children is an adventure. It's juggling between not pushing them into what you think they should be doing and worrying about the ever present problem of underachievement that is so prevelent with highly gifted kids.

Pulling The Scientist out of school and homeschooling her was suggested by a very caring psychologist who felt she would never be able to find her way if she stayed in school. I spent the next couple of months trying to prove him wrong. It didn't work. Homeschooling hasn't solved everything but it's so much better. Right now we are struggling with some of the issues I mentioned above, but even though sometimes we feel very alone I know we are not, I just have to remember to reach out.