"You Can't Make Me!"

If I had a nickle for every time I've heard that in the last few months I could retire. We'll technically The Vet is right, I can't make her.

But (yep there it is again folks, some things don't change), I am only legally obligated to supply you with food, shelter and clothing and that can be arraigned. On the menu for tonight's dinner, by special request, sardines (protein), potato flakes (starch) and okra (veggie). Enjoy. Oh you don't like such foods. They assault your tender pallet. Bummer, you can't make me cook anything I don't want to. Bon Appetite.

Felicity

Today I rushed three tired kids out of bed and dragged them to an OA meeting. Before we left I made them take showers and eat breakfast. That's because after the meeting we were invited to a fellows house for lunch and a swim. And since my kids are typical they are not concerned with body odor or dirty fingernails. I on the other hand prefer not to smell them and I'm sure I am not the only adult who feels that way. I got the usual complaints: "I'm just going to swim anyway, I just took a shower (yeah, three days ago), nobody cares what I smell like (that's what you think) and many other combinations there of.

After the meeting we pile in the car and off we go. On the way, there is the usual chorus of complaints involving hunger and distance travelled. All of which I ignored like a pro.

We are the first to arrive. Which I found odd since we were the last to leave the meeting but what the heck it gives my kids first shot at the food that was kindly laid out for our dining pleasure. I brought my food but her fruit looked much nicer than mine so I ate that instead. A delicious combination of strawberries, blackberries and blueberries. But, once again I digress.

Anyway, getting slowly closer to the actual point.....

I had a really nice time. I ate my food and just relaxed and enjoyed the conversation. The kids swam and played with the other kids. The daughter of the host had just returned from a trip to Israel and spent over an hour with my girls showing them pictures and sharing stories of her adventure. After a few hours we packed up and headed home.

Here it comes folks, the moment you've been waiting for: The actual point of this....

On the way home this very strange sensation came over me. At first I didn't recognize it. After a few minutes I realized what I was feeling was just plain, simple joy. Nothing more, nothing less. A pleasant afternoon with friends and fellows. The sounds of kids playing. An abstinent meal. This is the direction that my life is heading. The feeling didn't last long. The continuing banter of the kids erupted into a debate over who poked who first and swept the feeling away but it was there, if only for a short time.

Another layer peeled away today. A ray of sunshine made it through, if only for a brief time. One day at a time. Today was a beautiful day.

Feeding Frenzy

Last night I went grocery shopping. Today a swarm of locusts my children proceeded to eat the following:

3 lbs of Red Delicious Apples
2 pints of strawberries
2 1/2 lbs of red seedless grapes
2 bananas
1/2 bag of baby carrots
6 sticks of string cheese
1 lb of bacon
3 bagels
1/2 lb of American cheese
3 bowls of various cereals

Then proceeded to complain they were hungry and there was nothing to eat. Did I mention that all this was consumed prior to 4 PM? None of the above stopped any of them from cleaning their plates at dinner time.

A Personal Discovery

Over the last few weeks as I explore myself and my habits with my sponsor I have learned a lot about myself. Some stuff I've always known. Some stuff I've known but blocked with denial and other stuff have been completely new to me. I am only beginning this journey.

I've always known I like to have things my own way. But it's one thing to know it in your head and know it in your heart.

Today something happened that might of opened up my heart to it, at least a little bit. Baseball Boy has had a wart on his knee for a while. We tried freezing it with over the counter products but all it did was respond by growing bigger.

Last week we finally admitted defeat and I called the doctor to make an appointment to have it removed. The appointment was this morning. Last Friday afternoon while sliding into second base the wart tore right off. I wasn't there, The Engineer was at the game with him, but reports were that he was okay until other parents started freaking out. In case you didn't know warts bleed a lot. They got the bleeding controlled and he stayed to cheer his team on for the rest of the game but for him the game was over.

This morning at the doctors office the nurse tells us it's better to cut it off then freeze it. They will numb his knee cut it out and then freeze the root. Most of it was torn off anyway and it made sense.

The doctor comes in and she's on a mission. This one didn't waste any time with small talk. Baseball Boy is being brave until she turns around with a syringe, clear liquid dripping from the end of the needle. She wasted no time in going for the knee with the needle. Baseball Boy reaches over and grabs onto me. She takes his leg and just gives him the shot. There are some tears but no hysterical crying. After the knee is numb (which is almost instantaneous) she gets a flexible razor and shaves that thing down. Before I know it she's spraying the spot with the freezing stuff (that's the technical term ;-) ). Explains what to expect and we're done. Both the nurse and the doctor tell Baseball Boy how great he did and leave.

Baseball Boy is fine. I on the other hand am ready to freak out. Not from the blood or the procedure. But because all that happened so fast. They had explained what they were going to do, no surprises there. But when Baseball Boy reached over and grabbed onto me I wanted to stop. Right there and calm him down. When she didn't I felt powerless.

I couldn't wait to get out of the office. I felt like I was about to freak out. I had no control in there, the resulting feelings overwhelmed me. Normally if something like that happens I would bee line it for food. Now I know I can't do that. I have to face the feelings not cover them over.

We get in the car and I ask Baseball Boy how he is. I'm expecting him to be as freaked out as I am. His response surprised me. He said that it wasn't too bad. That he liked the doctor. I asked him why he grabbed me when she came at him with the needle. I thought it was because he wanted her to stop but he told me he just needed to hold all of me and not just my hand. Stopping her would have made it worse for him not better. Stopping her would have only made it better for me because I thought I had to stop her for him. He didn't need that. I needed to control the situation not let Baseball Boy and her control the situation.

I know as his parent it is my job to protect him. But I'm always preaching how you have to let them protect themselves with your guidance. I didn't let him do that, I did what I needed, yeah I thought it was what he needed but I didn't listen to him. He didn't say stop or try to get away after she grabbed his leg. He just rolled to the side and grabbed me.

So I learned a lot today. Baseball Boy applied what I had already taught him. I am proud of him for that. I am proud of myself for seeing that it wasn't about me having to control the situation to make it okay for him, even if it took me time to figure it out. It still took me a while to relax over my lack of control in the doctors office. I'm not totally over it yet. But I see it and that's the first step.

Book Review- Kids and Power Struggles

Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles Winning for a Lifetime by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Hope you're not expecting something literary. Because you're not going to get it.

I didn't finish the book. Too much on my plate and no time to read. I got about half way through it. I think the problem isn't with the book, it's with me. I'm just not in the mood for educational reading. If I have time to read I want to escape into a story right now. So I'm going to put it down. In the future I'll return and finish it. It wasn't a difficult read, overly wordy or condescending to parents or kids.

What I read had some very interesting ideas for dealing with the melt downs that occur with children. Some of the stuff I read was common sense, like taking a hungry kid into a grocery store is asking for trouble. Well yeah, me going into a grocery store hungry is asking for trouble.

But it did go on to say that when children melt down there is a reason behind it. That meltdowns and the sister to meltdowns, the temper tantrum, are not done by children to make us miserable or because we suck as parents. And to solve the problem of ongoing meltdowns you need to identify the triggers. It gave several examples to help you get to the bottom of the problem.

The last chapter I read talked about older kids and how they start to rebel. It gave an interesting example of how a woman wanted to ride her son's new bike. He got very upset and started yelling at her that he didn't want her riding his bike, that it was his, blah, blah, blah. I think we can all get the picture of the selfish teenager in our head. When the mother spoke to her son about why he didn't want her riding the bike instead of just writing him off as self absorbed teenager she found that he didn't mind her riding the bike but didn't want kids at school seeing her riding his bike. So he's not a selfish brat he just didn't want to get teased by the kids at school. I'm sure when I get back to the book it will go into further detail about this very trying time in the parent/child relationship.

There is a section of the book that talks about the author's workshops with parents who are having struggles with their children. The parents speak about what issues they were having and how some of them got to the bottom of it and how others were still trying to make the connection.

I definitely see the value in this book. If you have on and off again problems along these lines maybe a trip to the library would be in order for this one. If you have kids that seem to be one long line of meltdowns and power struggles this book would definitely be worth the purchase price.

Why do I do this to myself?

What you ask? Let see there are so many things that I seem to do over and over. Procrastinate, over schedule myself, volunteer myself to help someone (when I can barely keep up with my own obligations), digress, open mouth insert foot, not checking the calender and give up sleep in an effort to do it all, just to name a few.

Any and all of these things contribute to the over whelming stress I feel sometimes. So what sent me over the edge this time?

We had a karate seminar this weekend. Friday night and all day Saturday. We had been looking forward to it for months. Does it ever fail that several other things were going on this weekend that we wanted to do. We had to turn them down. We were bummed but there was no way we weren't going to this seminar.

Late last week Baseball Boys' religious school teacher sends out an email saying they will be studying Shavuot this Sunday and they will have a little party to go along with it and could every one send in something. Fruit, vegi's, milk, paper plates, the list was pretty typical. Also on the list was a cake shaped like the Ten Commandment Tablets or a Torah. Shavuot celebrates Moses bringing of the Ten Commandments down from Mt. Sinai. So I have this crazy busy weekend with the seminar. It starts Friday from 5PM to 11PM and resumes on Saturday from 9AM to 5PM. Some pretty great stuff was covered. It was mentally and physically exhausting. So you would think that since I had so much going on I would pick something like the paper plates or milk to bring in. Stuff I usually have around the house so I wouldn't even have to make an extra stop somewhere to get it. Oh and I forgot to mention I still have to work Saturday night. I'm going in a few hours late but it's an all-nighter. In case you haven't figured it out yet I said I'd bring the cake. Why would I do that? I don't have time to bake a cake and make it look like the Ten Commandment Tablets or the Torah. I usually cook/bake from scratch. It's healthier, cheaper and it tastes better, a great combination. So anyway, come Thursday night I panic when I realize I have to make this cake for 8 AM Sunday morning.

So Friday we spend the whole day at a science program at a local library (it wasn't worth the time or money, it sucked). On the way home I stop at a local grocery store to pick up cake mix and fake frosting. I just can't deal with anything more than that. Guess what? I left my purse at home and have no way to pay for it. So I just went home dejected and frustrated with myself.

We get home and get ready for the seminar. Afterward, everyone is invited by our karate instructors to a local Italian Restaurant for a spaghetti dinner. By the time we get home it's almost midnight and we are beat. Up early on Saturday and back to the karate studio. I have one hour after I drop off The Engineer and the kids to get my hiney to a grocery store and redo my trip from the day before only this time with money.

We're at the studio all day. As soon as it's over I rush home. Instead of taking an hour nap and a shower before I go to work like a sensible person would do, I bake two 13"x9" cakes, one chocolate and one butter cake. I wash my face, brush my teeth, brush my hair and pull it up into a pony tail, swallow three ibuprofen, throw my uniform on and I'm out the door.
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While driving to work I pray to the EMS gods for a peaceful night. My prayers are answered and my partner makes sure I am up and functioning when we log off at 6AM. On the way home I stop and get some chocolate liquorice and a bag of M&M's for back up in case I can't get the liquorice to form Hebrew letters.

I'm feeling good. I have one hour to frost and decorate this cake. I take my two cakes and set them next to each other and cut the tops to give each one an arch. I frost away and use the liquorice to outline the two tablets. I slice the liquorice in half lengthwise (they were pretty thick pieces) and cut them up to make the first six letters of the Hebrew alef-bet. We laid out the sections to form the letters. It was fun even if The Engineer was standing next to me the whole time watching the clock.

I ran over my time limit by 10 minutes, of course. Maybe one day I'll finish something on time. Today is not that day. Off they go to religious school. I sit down on the sofa and immediately fall asleep.

Baseball Boy comes home with an empty cake plate and a dirty knife. The cake was a hit. The kids loved the letters and apparently the cake itself passed muster too. There was only a small piece left and one of the kids took it home.

So at least it was a success. Wonder what I'll do to myself next?

You're the Worst Mom Ever!

SLAM

That would be from The Scientist. Ah, the preteen hormonal period of a child’s life.

The Vet was mad because they are not going out to play until they locate three overdue library books. Her response to me calling her over to tell her the names of the books was "What!" For her nasty response she was slapped on the arm. I can not remember the last time I slapped one of the kids. I don't really believe hitting or slapping solves anything. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Lately someone has taken my three usually well mannered kids and replaced them with three mouthy, rude, name calling whippersnappers.

Today the final straw occurred with the nasty "what." I slapped her bare arm without even thinking. I believe all the so called child specialists will tell you that if you do decide to use physical punishment you shouldn't use it in anger. Oh well, I've always been a rule bender anyway.

I also think since "child specialists" have started spouting their rhetoric more kids are screwed up than ever. But, that's going to have to be another post.

That slap created a tirade by The Scientist screaming that hitting your kids is illegal and she's going to call the cops. I told her to get me the phone and I'd save her the trouble. By her passionate response you would have thought that I had hit her or beaten her on numerous occasions. I believe the only time I have ever laid a hand her was when I pulled her arm to teach her how much it hurt the dog to have his tail repeatedly pulled by her when she was a toddler. Everything else we tried to get her to stop had failed and quite frankly the dog was getting pretty fed up with it and I was afraid he would take matters into his own paws or worse yet teeth. After that she no longer pulled the dogs tail.

The other two jumped on The Scientist’s band wagon and before I know it all three kids are screaming at me and then at each other. This is going down hill fast. There is no way I'm going to be able to talk rationally with these three so I send them off to their rooms to calm down. That's where the post title comes in. I will not speak to them or get sucked into their arguments if they can not speak rationally and respectfully.

After about 10 minutes The Vet comes out and apologized for speaking to me so disrespectfully. Not long after Baseball Boy joins her. The Scientist is the last to come out, but she is more concerned that I will cancel our trip on Wednesday to a local science museum. Hey, whatever, at least the screaming is over.

So we talk about what happened. They get down to looking for the books, which started this whole thing, and within ten minutes all three missing books are sitting on the coffee table and everyone is off to play.

I think I'm the only one who realizes how much easier it would have been for them to just look for the books in the first place.

Tweet

I just yelled at all three kids to stay in bed. Would you look at the time!

Not a decent photo to be found....

Taking pictures of the kids and dogs is something I have always loved doing. Since we invested in a nice digital camera it's even better. No one would ever mistake me for being a photographer but at least I could get my subjects in the photo most of the time. Even if more than a few times there were trees growing out of their heads. As a photographer friend pointed out to me on more than on occasion.

It's a bummer to have a dog that is terrified of the camera but I still manage to sneak a few photos of her when she's not paying attention. I'd love to get some close ups but all pictures of her have to be stealth so that's not an option. When I'm done explaining you'll know why a telephoto lens isn't an option for me.

When the kids were younger it was a pain in the butt to get a picture with all three of them looking sensible. Someone was always making a face or poking someone or just not interested in getting their picture taken. I have one picture of our entire family that looks great but I had to put The Vet in her spot and give her the Evil Mommy Eye to get her to stay just the few moments till the picture could be snapped. It's the last family picture I have that is decent.

You would think as they got older and more accustomed to following directions it would become easier. Well, as anyone with kids knows solving one set of issues just opens up and makes room for newer, more involved issues to emerge.

So I think I've finally hit the golden age of photography. They are old enough to follow directions but not too old to think they look "too terrible" for the pictures to be taken.

But as usual there is a kink in the plan. And it's all about me. I have essential tremors. Essential tremors are due to abnormal communication between certain areas of the brain, including the cerebellum, thalamus and brain stem. There are three types, one is hereditary (the most common), one is neurological issue and one is related to Parkinson's. I have the hereditary type. My father had it and I drew the short straw in our family and now it's mine. I've been symptomatic since I was a kid. Some people don't show symptoms until their older, not me, short straw again.

For years I have been able to control the tremors. They are really only obvious when I'm overtired, very hungry or under a lot of stress. I also got a little bonus with my right hand which jerks every now and then. It's a little embarrassing when it happens especially if I'm holding a drink. Sometimes if I'm holding something it drops out of my hand, it's annoying but it rarely interferes with my day to day life. The Engineer finally got used to me dropping silverware unexpectedly. It used to make him jump, now he barely notices.

It can affect your hands/arms, your legs and your head and voice. Until recently I only had tremors in my hands/arms. Recently my legs have been giving me problems. If I am sitting for a long period they start to ache. Probably because they are forced to stay still when I'm sitting and the muscles get tired (they still move even if the legs are forced to remain still). I'm lucky that so far my head and voice do not seem to be affected. If I am tired it is hard for me to write. And I only use coffee mugs and heavy glasses to drink from. I can't hold a paper cup or light weight cup still anymore. Today I was at a friends house and was drinking a cup of tea from a mug. I had my spoon in it. The spoon kept clinking against the side of the cup. I guess my hands were shaking even though I couldn't really see it.

One of the biggest problems that has recently started is my inability to hold the camera still enough to take a clear picture. Our camera even has image stabilization and I no longer can take a clear picture on some days. Telephoto lens? Forget it, I haven't been able to keep still enough to take a clear picture with one of those for years.

Over the years I've developed coping mechanisms to help control the tremors and lead a pretty normal life. Most people don't even know I have them unless they are around me when my blood sugar drops or I am very tired. Sometimes I forget about them, because these habits have become so second nature.

So now I see my handwriting getting worse. I used to be able to write a decent amount before my writing deteriorated. Now after a few sentences it's starts to show. I've switched almost completely over to printing since I can last longer that way. Fortunately typing is still pretty easy for me, as long as I'm not over tired.

I'm going to be looking for a lightweight, portable easy to use tripod for my camera. It isn't the perfect solution but it's better than nothing. I may never get another picture of Malka again. If the evil black box grows legs she is not going to hang around to find out what happens next.

So far it looks like The Scientist may have drawn the short straw. There is a 50/50 chance of it showing up in the other two but so far I don't see any signs.

I guess it's time to start researching ways to control them beyond what I've been doing all these years.

Let the games begin

This afternoon Baseball Boy had his first practice for this years spring baseball season. He had a pretty good time. He reported some very talented burpers on his team. He was especially impressed by the kid who could burp the alphabet.

His coach seemed like a nice guy. I was pleased that there seemed to be some teaching of game basics instead of just letting the kids figure it out by themselves. This is the first level that they have pitchers instead of using a pitching machine and it was fun to watch the kids all try to get the hang of throwing the ball across the plate. I had the laugh when the coach reminded everyone about wearing a cup even just for practice. Seems these young pitchers get a little carried away with themselves sometimes.

We had the usual assortment of overly enthusiastic parents. The father who was micromanaging his kid from the sidelines. The mom who told me that this is her sons third year playing and she hopes he likes it this year. As usual I can't turn my filter on in time and asked her why she even signs him up if he doesn't like it. She was saved trying to answer when her son got hit by a ball because he wasn't paying attention. Yep, I could see he was lovin' being there already.

But overall the kids looked like they were having fun. There was a lot of kidding around and silliness you get when you put a bunch of 8 and 9 year old boys together. Following directions took a distant second to making the kid next to you laugh. A little rough housing and a lot of mud. You could hear the burps and silly noises across the entire field.

Yep, this has potential to be a good baseball season.

One disappointment after another

Normally I don't feel too bad when something happens and my kids are left disappointed. Life is full of ups and downs. If they don't learn to handle the downs when they are young and relatively minor (at least to the adults) how are they going to handle the biggies when they are older.


It seems like every time they turn around lately something doesn't work out that they had been excited about.

A much anticipated play date canceled because of a change in religious school schedule.

A reading class one of them had been looking forward to canceled due to a death in the family of the teacher.

Having to leave their theater group early because of a dentist appointment.

A "date" that had to be postponed due to illness.

A mothers helper job postponed due to illness.

A trip to the zoo canceled due to a broken toe.

A sleepover canceled due to one of the kids not being ready to do it.

All of this occurring over the course of a week. At times like this I repeat to myself "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." But, as the tears fall over and over again even that seems hollow.

Synagogue and kids

It would have been nice to know that ours isn't a particularly child friendly synagogue when it comes to services. They have one family service a month and children are only welcome to other services if they can show a "modicum of decorum". Oh please, modicum of decorum after spending the entire day in school then sitting through a 2 hour service without making any noise. Follow that with the sugar fest that is the oneg and it's a wonder they have any control at all.

Recently they had a family service and there were a lot of families. Isn't that the point of a family service? They should have been happy. We weren't at that service but I heard the kids were fine at the service but got wound up at the oneg. A certain person in a position of authority was greatly offended by the poor manners of the children involved. Should the parents of those kids involved corrected them? Well, yeah. But they didn't. Early the next week an email went out informing everyone that they needed to control their kids at the oneg. Sounded fine to me. Case closed, you would think.

But this person decided that the children did not fit their definition of a "modicum of decorum" and that the email just didn't get the point across. During the next service she has someone from the board of trustees read a note (that she wrote) to the congregation chastising the parents for the unruly children. We'll uh, the two families with kids who were there (and there were just two) weren't at the family service. Needless to say we were both insulted. Our kids are far from perfect and now and then we have to remind the kids how to behave but the way she made it sound our kids were animals. I thought it was ironic that the author of the note chose not to attend this service.

The father of the other family and I decided not to let this go. Over the next week we spoke to countless people, made several phone calls to the clergy and wrote letters to the board. We got our point across. The woman who initially wrote the note was over ruled by the others. We heard from someone else in authority that she was extremely unhappy with the note being tossed. We received support and an apology from the board. She had wanted it read before every service. So now when we see her she gives us the hairy eye ball. I just give her a big smile.

Reason #3 why we homeschool

The Dramatic Rise of Anxiety and Depression in Children and Adolescents: Is It Connected to the Decline in Play and Rise in Schooling?

by Dr. Peter Gray

Someone posted this article on one of my home school groups. It's got it's share of psychological gobbley gook but cut through that and it makes some thought provoking points.

In our quest to "prepare" our children for their future are we damaging the foundation that their future rests on?

When I found out that our local school district only had half day kindergarten I was appalled. What the heck are they going to accomplish in 2 1/2 hours. Then when I found out that a short recess was apart of that time I just knew that this was going to be a complete waste of time. It's amazing how much I've changed since my first born boarded the school bus for her first day of school. Back then, for me, school was the best place for my kids to learn. They were giant sponges and school was the ocean of information where they could absorb all of it. They needed to be there to gain the knowledge to succeed. HA, how naive I was.

By sending my kids off to school the opposite of what I expected happened. They went from sponges to rocks. Sinking instead of absorbing. My oldest went from being a curious, questioning, excited about learning kid to a miserable, bored kid. Depression and anxiety was starting to rule her life by the end of first grade. There was no room for pleasure in learning when everything she did was micromanaged. Even if she finished her work early she was made to sit quietly and was punished for "sneaking" a book under her desk to read. Kids today don't even get away from it when they come home. Even in first grade they have homework and projects. By the time she finished all that she didn't even want to pick up a book and read for pleasure. She was too tired to go out and play. She just wanted to veg out in front of the TV for some mindless entertainment.

Child specialists say you should expose your child to as much as possible when they are young. Doesn't that contribute to the over scheduling that our children (and us) live with daily. Isn't too many choices adding to our anxiety and stress levels. Maybe we should go back to letting kids be kids and not filling their time with activities. It's something I need to work on myself.

By treating all children like they were cut from the same mold and by expecting them to all follow the same path we are destroying their creativity and individuality. We file them into classrooms and teach to a test. Grades are more important than learning. School is a period in their life that they just want to get through. Kids today often feel like their life is over before they reach their senior year in high school. Many of them don't even know what they want to do because they have had their hands held for so long they can't make a decision without help. Oh, they can give you open ended answers like go to college or join the military but what direction do they want to take there, so many kids just have no idea.

I hope you take the time to read the article. My ramblings don't even touch the surface of what the article was about. Even if you don't completely agree with it you can't deny that children today suffer from anxiety and depression in record numbers. Unlike what I call the "syndrome of the week" I believe that anxiety and depression really are becoming epidemic in our children.

Evil lurkes in the maternity ward...cont

A short time later she returns with a bag full of stuff. I don't remember where he went or why but The Engineer wasn't in the room when she returned. So she starts by informing me that I must wear this suction cup device on my nipples at all times when I'm not feeding. She then proceeds to grab my breast and apply it. Holy shit woman that hurt could you of warned me ahead of time. She is obviously insulted. I guess she feels like I should shut up and suck it up. She then asks me what type of breast pump I purchased. I hadn't gotten one because a good friend with three kids told me not to buy one right away and the hospitals had ones to use if I needed it. That way I would be able to find out what I really needed before I spent all that money. She looked at me like I had just said the stupidest thing she had ever heard. She informed me that I needed to send my husband out right now to purchase one so I would have it available immediately. After that little lecture she pulls out the next trick in her bag of horrors. I don't remember exactly what it was but she squeezed my nipple and I reacted by smacking her hand away. I didn't even think about it, I just did it. She immediately started telling me how I needed to gain control of myself because my emotions would just make it harder for the baby to relax and nurse. Still trying to hold it together for the sake of my child I apologized and let her continue to torture me. At some point I had enough and told her I needed to be alone for a while and just work on this on my own. She said she come back in a little while to help me try to get the baby to latch on. I told her that wouldn't be necessary and the nurses could help me. Once again I got another one of those looks. I burst into tears. At that very moment The Engineer walks into the room, takes one look at me and a look of astonishment crosses his face. That is quickly replaced by anger. This man can probably count on one hand the number of times he's seen me cry in 24 years. He turns to the "The Lactation Consultant" and asks her to please leave. She starts to say something and he cuts her off and informs her that her services will no longer be needed. I don't know if it's the tone of his voice or me crying in the background but she hightails it out of there. After I regained some control I told him the whole story. I finally talked and cried it all out and he asked me what I wanted to do. I took a deep breath and asked him to go get some bottles of formula from the nurses and ask them for any information they had on bottle feeding. He returned 5 minutes later with one of the nurses and a box full of bottles. The nurse asked me if I was okay and if I was sure this was what I wanted. She gave me a couple of pamphlets on bottle feeding, helped me get in a comfortable position with the baby and left us alone to peacefully feed her. I then burped her, swaddled her up and she slept peacefully for the first time since she was born.

The Engineer gathered up the medieval devices left behind and threw them away.

After taking a much needed nap we made a list of what we would need to bottle feed and The Engineer went shopping.

I'd love to say I never looked back. The truth is I beat myself up over my "failure" for a long time after The Scientist was born. But as she grew I realized there were going to be many things that didn't work out the way I planned. In spite of it she was growing up to be a happy and healthy kid.

I don't tell to many people I bottle fed because there are so many women out there who just need to tell me that I didn't do what was best for my child. Maybe not but I'll tell you that by doing what was best for me I did what was best for them. The Engineer got to "bond" with our children by feeding them too, that is a gift he wouldn't of had if I hadn't failed.

The Reluctant Girl Scout

Not a Girl Scout, in fact, not even a girl. With two sisters out of commision, in the hottest cookie selling time and having your Mom as cookie mom, Baseball Boy has had to step out of his comfort zone to help out.

Loading cases of cookies in and out of the van. Running back and forth between the van and houses to deliver cookies that The Scientist has sold. Giving The Vet the information and money so she can track it from the comfort from her seat in the van. Walking up and down the road in front of our house to flag down potential customers who might want to stop and purchase cookies at the end of our driveway from his awaiting sisters.

Helping me separate the cases out to fill each of the orders for the girls in the troop. Once again loading them in the van. Writing the girls names on the cases so we know who gets what.

I'd just like to thank Baseball Boy for all his hard work. His sisters have already thanked him numerous times but I just wanted to say it too. There should be a badge that could be given to the hardest working non girl scout that helps to get those cookies sold. If there was I'd definetly say he has earned it.

Stitches- outta there

This morning I took The Vet's stitches out of her knee. Yep, you read that right, I took them out. She doesn't want anyone but me taking them out. I took them out the last time she needed stitches too. It looks like it healed nice and clean. She still has a sore spot on the side of her knee that I don't like. I'm going to give it a week, if it's not feeling fine by then she's going to the doctor, whether she likes it or not.

Don't worry about what the doctor will think when he finds out I took the stitches out. He's used to me.

Everyone in my class but me

The Vet said, "Everyone in my class has a cell phone but me." The Scientist quickly pointed out that she also was the only one in her class without a cell phone. The Vet is 10 years old and The Scientist is 11 years old.

I've heard this before but after the new year they started up again on their crusade to get their own cell phone. It went something like this:

S & V: Mom, everyone in our class (@Hebrew School) has a cell phone and we think we should have one too.

Me: Well if everyone jumps off a cliff are you going to jump too?

S & V: (with eyes rolling) Mom we need our own cell phone. Remember that time you were late picking us up from religious school? It was so embarrassing, we had to ask to borrow someones phone so we could call you.

Me: That's not a reason. You should have just waited until I got there. You didn't need to call.

S: Remember when I was in kindergarten you fell asleep on the couch. You were 10 minutes late picking me up from school. If you wouldn't of woken up who knows how long I would of had to wait.

Me: It's not like your teacher would have just left you out at the curb till I came and there are lots of phones in the school to use.

S & V: But what if we have to make a phone call? It's not that much money to add a line on. We checked on line and it's only $9.99 a month.

Me: We have the house phone and I have a cell phone that you are welcome to use when you need to make a call. Then I really put a nail in it by telling them that if they were going somewhere without me and I felt it was necessary for them to have a phone they would use mine.

At this point desperation was setting in. They couldn't think of a good reason and they knew it. Finally they just asked how old they would have to be to get a cell phone. When I told them 16 years old and they'd have to pay for it themselves they were speechless. That almost never happens, it made my day.

Autopsy?

Baseball Boy: Hey, you're cutting up my pepper.

The Vet: No, it's mine, here's yours.

Baseball Boy: Hey, you're cutting out the brain. I want to cut out the brain.

The Vet: You mean membrane.

Baseball Boy: Leave the brain alone.

The Vet: It's called the membrane, not brain.

Baseball Boy (screaming at this point): You're cutting up my pepper. I want to cut it up, it's mine. Leave the brain alone!

The Vet: Nevermind, cut out your own brain.

Homeschoolers who give the rest of us a bad name.

Hot Topic Alert: This may piss you off so proceed at your own risk.

The local library used to run a reading group for early readers. It was set up for homeschoolers. The librarian would read a short children's story then they'd talk about it and do a craft. I wanted Baseball Boy to go but since his only experience with reading in a group setting came in kindergarten he wasn't exactly excited about going. But I got it stuck in my head that he was going whether he liked it or not. So I signed him up and dragged him to the library. He begged me to sit in with him. The deal was I'd sit in the back for as long as he needed me but he had to pay attention to the librarian, not keep looking at me. So the librarian reads the story. I forget which one it was but it was a typical kid story. Totally secular. So then she moves on to the Q&A part. There is this little girl and little boy sitting right up front. Every question she asks they are waving frantically. Each time they are called on they answer the question by saying "Jesus would do this" or "Jesus made this happen", on and on with everything relating back to Jesus. Even when another kid would answer they would just burst out with their Jesus account. Baseball Boy was beside himself. He's never even heard of this guy Jesus, except maybe in passing and now these kids are totally interjecting him into the story. The librarian is trying to steer the questioning back to center but it was futile. Finally, she gave up and just redirected the kids to the tables to do the craft. When it was over Baseball Ball wanted to stay to talk to the librarian. I gotta tell you, I was a little nervous about it. I had been unnerved by the whole experience and really just wanted to get out of there. So Baseball Boy patiently waits for everyone to leave and asks the librarian if there was a part of the story that he missed because he listened to the whole thing and doesn't remember Jesus being talked about. The librarian, who probably felt like she was crossing a minefield, just told him that "No, there was nobody named Jesus in the story but the two kids probably knew a story that reminded them of this one with him." He was okay with that but we talked about it several times throughout the day and he never really got comfortable with what had happened. He didn't want to go back and I didn't make him. I get very tired of people who raise their children to believe that their way is the only way. It's not the American way. It breeds hate and ignorance. Sure we all want to believe that we've got all the answers but the truth is we don't really know, whether you want to hear it or not it's the truth. When I was 10 years old my best friends mother (a devout Catholic) asked me if I was afraid of going to Hell because I didn't believe Jesus was our messiah. I said I didn't believe that would happen because G-d wouldn't send his children to hell. She said, "What if your wrong." Well I guess I'm going to hell then, what do you want me to say. Of course she was drunk at the time, not uncommon for her, but it taught me a valuable lesson in ignorance. Nobody knows..you won't know until you're dead. I don't worry about when I'm dead. I worry about what's happening now, trying to be the best person I can be now.

How did a city girl wind up with chickens?

Several years ago we went to the local Grange Fair. We would hear over and over how much fun the kids would have if we went. I don't really enjoy fairs, pumpkin patches, carnivals and stuff like that. Too many people, I always spend too much money, the rides make me sick and could they think of any more ways to make a hayride uncomfortable. I guess I'm just a stick in the mud, it's just not my idea of fun. I just thought of the one thing I like about fairs. Funnel cake, I love funnel cake. Of course, by the time the kids take most of mine I don't even get to really enjoy it. Anyway back to my point.
Since 4H does their yearly show at the Grange Fair we were expecting to see a lot of farm animals. The girls were interested in the cavy's (guinea pigs) because they have one and thought it would be fun to check out all the different breeds. So we wandered through the sheep, steers, cows, and pigs, lots of pigs. Finally we came to the cavys and rabbits. The kids were there forever. I went and found a bench and got out a book while they looked, asked questions, petted, brushed, oohed and aahed over all the furry creatures. Finally, I hear my name being called and they are ready to move on. I finish my paragraph and walk back over. We turned the corner and there they were. All lined up in cages, clucking, throwing wood shavings, cock a doodle dooing, flapping wings and generally making a lot of noise.


That was the beginning. Cavies and bunnies forgotten they were all about the fowl. The Scientist's latest obsession was born. Of course the 4H people were happy to answer all their questions. I was ready to break out the book again but I didn't want to walk away. These people were amazingly into these birds and their enthusiasm was contagious.
The kids wanted to go out that night and get chickens. Whoa Nelly.... We live in a very prissy area. The people where we live are all about keeping up with the Jones' and how perfect you can make your yard. They already have to live with the German Shepard/Lab mix who loves to charge the property line so people wet their pants and a Pit Bull. Chickens might just send them over the edge. So we added that to our list of things we'll do "after we move".
I just figured by then the interest would wane...... you know you'd think I'd learn by now.