People Suck?

Years of working in emergency services have left me jaded and cynical. Or maybe I'm just not very forgiving. Could be I've been let down one to many times by people who I thought I should be able to depend on. Probably all of the above and some other things I can't think of right now.

I've had to deal with leaches, stupidity and self centered bigoted pigs through the course of my career. Family members who hurt you and friends who were really only interested in what they would get from the friendship. Through my work at the vet's office and my interest in dog rescue I have seen some pretty horrible offenses brought upon man's best friend.

I've learned to peel those people from my daily life. I no longer allow them to affect my day to day living. I think it's one of the reasons why I feel so close with my dogs. They accept me for who I am. They forgive me for my shortcomings. Really forgive, not say they forgive then toss it back at me at a later date. I look at them and their shoddy beginnings and say if they can shake it off and look ahead then so shall I.

I can't avoid these types of people through my day to day job. After all, I'm paid to help them no matter how ridiculously stupid their request or how big of a sponge on the community as a whole they are. It's hard to remember that not all people are like that.

I have a few close friendships that I cherish. I have a few close family members that I know will be there for me and I for them. I've tended to take a pretty negative look at the rest of the world. I try not to but I'm not very successful.

I hear ya, "okay, okay, so what's the point?"

Today I went to my second OA meeting. When I looked around the room I saw people who I would consider to be from all walks. But when they talked they all have the same core issues. And every one of them was courteous, listened and encouraging to those around them. I have no idea what these people are like outside but in that room they all wanted what was best for everyone there and a little help for themselves. During that period of time nobody sucked.

How the heck did a full time working Mom wind up being a homeschooling SAHM? Part 2-Live or Die

Some people say if they didn't have bad luck they'd have no luck at all....

I think that's a load of crap. I'm more of an everything happens for a reason type person. As you've probably figured by now the rabies test came back positive. I had been bitten by a rabid cat. And just to make it a little more interesting 3 days had gone by between the time of the bite and when we found out.

I get my hiney over to the hospital to start the rabies vaccine series. The doctor was pissed. Why did I wait three days? Do I know that once symptoms start you're dead? You should have come over right after you were bitten. Okay already! So what should I be looking for? Numbness and/or tingling at the bite site is one of the early signs. The problem with that symptom was I had that before I was bitten. Years of typing while entering emergency calls for dispatch had left me with a well established case of carpel tunnel syndrome. They said it would travel up my arm if it was rabies. So how long until I know for sure if I didn't start the shots in time. Ten days. So in ten days I'll know. Live or die. I spent a lot of time thinking about those three little words; live or die.

One of my only true fears is dying before my children are grown. Now I was facing that head on. The question was, had I given them everything I could while I had the chance? I didn't like the answer. Ten longs days and ten sleepless nights. Did I have regrets? Would I get a second chance?

Up until that time I was pretty darn pleased with the way things were going in my life. I honestly believed that if I died I would have no regrets. So why when that became a real possibility did all my answers change. Did I just not know better or was it denial of my true feelings? To this day I'm not really sure.

So ask yourself. If you died tomorrow, what would you regret? What didn't you do? I know some people who are making up lists of things they want to do before they die. I think it's kinda neat and might just do it myself. But a much more interesting list would be what do I need to change in my life right now so that I would have no regrets dying tomorrow. The lists may overlap in places but my goal would be to have nothing on the regrets list and something always on the to do list.

I'm still here. The shots were not fun but not as bad as I'd heard they would be. I was grateful they were available. The worst part was getting lectured by the doctors everytime I had to go to the ER to get the next in the series.

To this day I don't know why I went to work everyday during those ten days. I guess there was still a chunk of denial in the way. I certainly would not regret missing work if I was going to die. So why would I waste what little time I had left there. But I didn't ask those questions right away. In fact, it was almost 18 months later before I did.

That time I paid attention.....

How the heck did a full time working Mom wind up being a homeschooling SAHM? Part 1- Workaholic?

Hello, my name is Rusty's Mom and I'm a workaholic. I could picture myself standing in front of a group of others saying those words. Now is it denial or reality when I say, not really? I enjoyed my job but I also enjoyed my home time and looked forward to spending time with my husband and children. I mostly enjoyed making my own money, having the security. What if The Engineer died suddenly or found some cute hottie and I was left to raise three young children alone? Even BK (before kids) work was a huge part of my identity. I was a 911 dispatcher and had been for 21 years and worked at the vet's office too. I never hesitated to take home the on-call pager to pick up a little overtime either.

Helping people and animals and making decent money doing it. A great husband and three cool kids. The best dog ever. My life was sweet. Exhausting but sweet.

Because I worked 12 hour days the kids were only in day care two days one week and three days the next. It felt like a perfect balance between work and home. It also gave The Engineer full time parenting days because I worked every other weekend.

So what happened to change all this? Actually, it was two things. It started back when hubby and I decided to add another two legged kid to our family. That kid turned out to be Baseball Boy. But before conception occured I was bitten by a cat at the vets office. The cat was very ill when it was brought in. A family found it as a stray and wanted to help it. During the exam the cat bit me on the hand, drawing blood. Two days later the cat passed away and because of it's symptoms and subsequent death the vet decided to have it tested for rabies.

Some people say if they didn't have bad luck they'd have no luck at all....

A Local Loss

Last night a 37 year old paramedic was killed in the line of duty. I worked with him as a dispatcher and he was a part of our extended EMS family.

We have a dangerous job, we just don't talk about it. We've all be hit, kicked and punched by patients to ill, either mentally or physically, to know what they are doing. It is part of our job.

I go to work every time with the attitude of safety first. I'm going home to my husband and children, that's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

But we all know how the best laid plans go sometimes. This was a reminder in case anyone was starting to forget.

He left behind a wife and two daughters. We will be there for them but their lives will never be the same.

A Voice from the Past

I retired in 2002 after 21 years as a 911 dispatcher. It was a great job. I loved the work. Sure stupid people made it aggravating sometimes, but overall it was a very rewarding experience. When I was young and an adrenaline junkie this was a dream job.

Stupidest call: After a blizzard when people had been stuck inside for several days I received a call from a woman, crying, almost to the point of hysteria, because her power was still out and she had to go out but she couldn't get her car out because of the garage door opener doesn't work without power. I had her go to the garage, told her to look for a cord hanging from the garage door opener, told her it's usually red. She said she saw it and I told her to pull it. She did and lo and behold the door was released and she could open the door. She started crying harder and thanked me for saving her. God forbid this woman ever has to deal with a real emergency. Of course this was after answering about 300 calls in an 8 hour period so my patience had worn pretty thin at that point.

Second stupidest call: A man who wanted an ambulance because he found a tick on his stomach.

Third stupidest call: A woman who called and was upset because there were three deer in her backyard and she wanted them removed.

Alright, that's enough of that.

I feel weird saying this but I was a pretty darn good dispatcher. Something I got a lot of satisfaction from was training new dispatchers. Dispatching is a tough job to learn. They can only teach you so much in classroom training. Most of what you learn is through experience and having a good mentor to teach you once you're out of the classroom. That's what I liked to do. It seemed like I almost always had a trainee. I didn't mind taking them and they usually turned out pretty good so management was more than happy to keep assigning me new ones.

Best call ever with a trainee: One trainee I had was afraid to answer the phone. Kinda tough in our line of work, you gotta get over that. So I told him he was going to answer the next phone call no matter where in the county it was. Moments later a phone line lights up and I don't even give him a chance I push the button and pick up the extension to listen. Trainee: Police Radio, What is your emergency? Caller: A PLANE JUST CRASHED AT MAIN ST AND BROAD ST, ANY TOWN...OH MY GOD!!!!! I look over at my trainee and his mouth is open but nothing is coming out. He looks like a deer just about to be hit by a locomotive. I whisper to him, "Is it a big plane or a little plane?" That's just enough to break the moment and he goes on to handle the call. Needless to say after that one he was no longer afraid of the phone.

Sorry I digressed again. I promise there is a point to all this.

If there was one thing I didn't like about my job it was management. Oh, I know lots of people complain about their bosses. This place was run by a bunch of misogynists. Some were political appointees, some were members of the good ol' boys club and some were just pricks. Either way it wasn't an easy place for a woman to work. The only reason I survived in the early days was because I had big tits, nice legs and did a good job. As time went on it appeared to get better, but it really didn't. The boys just got better at not being so obvious with their remarks. It also helped that even though I had an easy going attitude, in general I didn't take any shit from the assholes. Oh, and if you have one that is particularly annoying, make acquaintance with his wife and watch the spineless wonder stay out of your way. Just saying.

Usually, when I got a new trainee management left the trainee and me alone. It was rare that I would hear from them. Other than the typical progress report the only person who cared was the one who did the schedules so he could know when to expect them to be able to work on their own.

So the next round of trainees become available and I'm assigned a woman who is just about my age. I'm going to call her "Mary." That's kinda unusual, mostly younger folks apply for this job. I like her immediately, she's bright, articulate and I can tell she takes no shit from anyone. Secretly, I wonder how she got the job (okay, she is slim and pretty), they don't usually like to hire women with that personality type. It didn't take long for me to notice that one of our bosses has a problem with her. He was up that woman's ass from day one. I had never had anyone from management question my training style. It was different from most others but it worked so they left me alone. Not this time, "spineless wonder" had it out for her. He hounded me to push her harder. He questioned everything she did. I never felt like I had to protect a trainee before but he had her so unnerved I had to run blocker to keep him away from her. Even with all this going on she was learning her job amazing quick. It wasn't long before she was on her own, but even then she would often come to me for advice on how to avoid conflict with this person. He also made sure she was given the worst shifts available, just to add icing on the cake. Why didn't she just quit? She was recently divorced and raising a young son on her own. It came down to money, she needed the pay and the benefits.

The years passed and other strong willed women were hired. Rumors floated around of conflicts, sexual harassment, intimidation and drug use involving management. At some point I decided that I didn't like my job anymore and wanted to spend more time with my young children. I retired and tried not to look back. Occasionally, I'd run into someone I knew who still worked there and they'd tell me how screwed up things were. I'd always walk away grateful that I left when I did. People still sometimes ask me if I'd go back there to work. I always say you never say never but I can not imagine working there ever again.

I'd heard that a law suit had been filed against management. A couple of women had asked me to testify. But to be quite honest, I had nothing concrete to help them. Sure I'd had an idea what was going on. But having an idea doesn't cut it in a court of law so it was easy for me to say, sorry can't help you.

Today I get a phone call from Mary. The strong voiced, self assured woman I knew is not who I hear on the phone. She sounds weak and exhausted. She tells me that she is one of the women involved in the law suit against the department. I wasn't surprised. She asked me if I would testify that when she was in training she was subjected, almost from the beginning, to harassment. I know this is true. I also know that it was a very long time ago (like 20 years) and my memory for details isn't what it used to be. I also know, from experience, what it is like to testify and be cross examined. Lawyers have a job to do and they don't care about the truth, they only care about getting their job done. They don't care who they shred in the process. I am at a point in my life that I don't think I can put myself through that. Mary hears the hesitation in my voice and starts to cry. She apologizes for crying but I understand she has been through hell. I have heard it from other ex employees of that department. She tells me she understands if I say no. I can't say yes, but I can't just say no without thinking about it, at least overnight.

I've changed in many ways in the last 10 years. I am no longer able to throw myself on the chopping block to help another. When you work as a 911 dispatcher it takes a little bit out of you every time you answer the call. I have used up all I have to give. I need to preserve what I have left for my family and closest friends.

So now I'm the weak one. I can't do it. I'm ashamed of myself for it, but that doesn't change a thing. I can not put myself, and by extension, my family, through it. I'm sorry I let you down.

I am but a shell of my former self.