The Things Nighmares are Made Of - The Conclusion

                                    R.I.P. Malka  9/14/2012


Malka never fully recovered from that nightmarish January night.  Mentally she recovered but physically she never got the um-pf back in her step.  On September 10th she stopped eating and couldn't sleep.  No  matter how she laid down she couldn't get comfortable.  This is the Facebook post from September 11th.

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Back from the vet with Malka. Not good. We knew she had early stages of kidney disease and when she got caught in the leg hold trap in January it accelerated from the stress but the last thing I expected was an almost total shut down of her kidneys in the last two days. So the vet did "doggie dialysis" today and I'll continue it at home. She's sound asleep now, which is no surprise since she hasn't been able to sleep for two days. She even ate after dialysis and has kept the food down. She seems comfortable so for right now we take it one day at a time and do our best to give the end of her life the same love and comfort she has given us.
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On September 14th her pain became unbearable to watch and we couldn't bear to let her go on that way.  She passed away peacefully with her family by her side.   I still grieve for her and think about her almost every day. 

Past vs. Present

I miss blogging.  Don't have time for it, but I miss it none the less.  What brought me here was a spam comment that annoyed me.  I went to delete that baby and started reading old posts. 

To put it bluntly I am amazed at how miserable I was at times.  This post really got me thinking about how far I've come in the last three years.

On May 3, 2013 I celebrated three years of abstinence, I have lost and kept off 110 lbs. and have also maintained my sobriety during that time.  Sure my physical health has improved considerably.  No more high cholesterol, no more high blood pressure, no more joint pain (that bad ankle feels much better without having to carry all that extra weight), no more crazy blood sugar spikes and drops leaving me feeling shaky and weak.

The biggest change though has been my mental health.  Who knew abstaining from certain foods and alcohol would make things that seemed impossible easy as pie (yeah, I still describe things using food).  Actually, abstaining from the certain foods and alcohol didn't make the changes, working the twelve steps as outlined in the Big Book of AA did.  Of course, there is no way I could of done the work without having my head cleared of the food/alcohol fog.

Everything is different, yet everything remains the same.  I'm the only thing that's changed in this equation called life.  As Thomas Jefferson said, "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."  The only caveat was my mind was such a mess I couldn't see the forest through the trees.  Doing the step work cleaned that mess up.

Now I live my life like this:  clean house, trust G-d, help others.

By the way, clean house isn't my literal house (although that is much cleaner too), it's the mess that was in my head.  Also, I should note that after cleaning that house out, under all the crap I found secret compartments, where childhood pain and abuse were tucked away.  I tried to just pretend they weren't there.  That attitude almost cost me my sobriety.  I'm working on those compartments now with the help of a therapist.  I'm doing really well.  A few weeks ago my doctor cut the dosage of my last anti depressant in half.  None of this has been easy.  My family and friends have been infinitely patient.

I am blessed beyond belief.

24 Hours

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This is what my kitchen looked like exactly 24 hours after our dishwasher unceremoniously died and poured water all over the kitchen floor.  The Engineer went to work trying to fix it but we had to accept that the end of it's workable life has come. 

I tried to convince people that paper plates were a viable option during this dishwasher free, painful period of our lives but no one was having any of it.  They kept using dishes and glasses despite my logical arguments.  Oh well,  guess what folks, go ahead use whatever you want, but I'm not listening to the whining when your washing all this crap by hand.  And just so we're clear on this matter before us, I'm not washing any of it.  They did clean it up themselves and if they whined I never heard it because I made sure I wasn't home to witness it.

The Engineer spent the weekend researching and shopping for a new dishwasher.  Last Wednesday we picked it up and it was immediately installed.  After it was installed it ran for four loads in a row before you could see the counters again.   There isn't an appliance in this house that rests on it's laurels.  We are a household accustomed to luxury.  Many would argue that a dishwasher is a luxury item, and I can't say I disagree, but when you've spent your whole life with one your perception is definitely coming from a different place. 

Maybe the end of it's life hasn't arrived.  Yesterday morning someone pulled up in front of our house and loaded that dishwasher into the back of their pickup truck.  It made me happy.

They Just Don't Make Things Like They Used To.....

I haven't even had this lap top for a year.  It's still under warranty.  So imagine my surprise when I got the blue screen of death a couple of weeks ago.  Once again I had a warning and backed up my hard drive the day before it died.

It made it in by the warranty date by a couple of weeks.  Usually it's the other way around with the repair people telling me how sorry they are that the warranty just expired.

So I'm grateful it didn't cost me anything to fix it but I gotta tell you that I'd of been screwed if I needed this thing to make a living (and not just the time sucking beast that it is) because it took forever to get it back.  They had to wait for Toshiba to send the "rescue disks".  In this electronic day and age can someone explain to me why repair people had to wait for disks at all?

Sigh, at least I'm back in business.

Ohio is rejoining the United States of America!

"Is it safe to come out yet?" Almost, Blink - Almost! This little pit bull impostor just heard news that Ohio Governor John Kasich is expected to sign HB14 in his home state. When he does, dogs just like her can come out of hiding -- They can be judged by their behavior instead of their looks. History is ALMOST here!

(Alright, she really is a pit bull, but if she lived in Ohio I'd have to pretend (and believe me they killed them anyway even without proof on just looks alone) she was something else or they would of killed her)

Those days are coming to an end.  Thank you to all the pit bull advocates who work so tirelessly to bring sanity back into dog laws across the country.

"It's Halftime in America"

I saw this commercial being talked about on Facebook.  Which means people have probably been talking about it for a while.  Since I'm about a week behind everyone else's times I'm sure you've seen it.  But it's a first for me so I'm sharing.  I read that there have been complaints that it is political.  I really like the message.  It must have worked as a commercial too, since I wanted to go out and by a GM product. 

I don't care if it's political.  I get annoyed by people who get their panties in a bunch over "political" stuff.   If you don't like it.  Tough!

I Almost Fell Off the Beam Last Night

As an alcoholic I sometimes have "alcohol" thoughts.  Just passing thoughts about having a drink, or sometimes if I'm feeling restless, irritable or discontent I ruminate about how "just one" would take the edge off.  Of course I've never had "just one" in my entire life, so who am I kidding.  Fortunately, not myself.

Last night I'm driving to work and a thought passed on through about how refreshing a gin and tonic would taste.  That thought almost immediately progressed to how good a pitcher would taste.  Followed by how nice it would be to just tie one on and not have to deal with the feelings of irritability, restlessness and discontent that I have been dealing with recently.   

Life on life's terms hasn't been easy lately.  I'm tired, physically and mentally.  I know that while getting drunk sounds like a great way to take a break from reality, it's really a fools dream.  Opening that door is a ticket to hell and the path back out is littered with those who don't survive.

I don't want to go back there, I can't.  So I start making phone calls.  Reaching out to my AA friends is my first line of defense when my disease gets a step up on me.  So I start dialing.  I get someone on the phone and one of the first questions she asks me is, "Is it possible that I ingested something recently that could have triggered the allergy?"  You know what, now that you mention it I had a cold last week and took some cold medicine I've never taken before.  I took it for a few days and then realized that I was getting excited waiting for the next dose to be due.  Normally I don't take anything without looking at the ingredients.  It's just too risky.  But I didn't at the time.  When I realized that I was thinking about the next dose I knew something wasn't right and read the ingredients.  There it was, the second ingredient, alcohol.  Crap!  No more of that medicine.  So I thought about it for a day or two then forgot about it, end of story? Apparently not.  Alcoholism (and food addiction, for that matter) is cunning, baffling and powerful, a week later and the power boost my disease got by me ingesting alcohol is still affecting me.

Last night I came the closest I have ever come to picking up a drink since I've been in recovery.  The important part is I didn't, but that doesn't mean that I won't face this challenge again.