The Things Nighmares are Made Of - The Conclusion

                                    R.I.P. Malka  9/14/2012


Malka never fully recovered from that nightmarish January night.  Mentally she recovered but physically she never got the um-pf back in her step.  On September 10th she stopped eating and couldn't sleep.  No  matter how she laid down she couldn't get comfortable.  This is the Facebook post from September 11th.

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Back from the vet with Malka. Not good. We knew she had early stages of kidney disease and when she got caught in the leg hold trap in January it accelerated from the stress but the last thing I expected was an almost total shut down of her kidneys in the last two days. So the vet did "doggie dialysis" today and I'll continue it at home. She's sound asleep now, which is no surprise since she hasn't been able to sleep for two days. She even ate after dialysis and has kept the food down. She seems comfortable so for right now we take it one day at a time and do our best to give the end of her life the same love and comfort she has given us.
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On September 14th her pain became unbearable to watch and we couldn't bear to let her go on that way.  She passed away peacefully with her family by her side.   I still grieve for her and think about her almost every day. 

Past vs. Present

I miss blogging.  Don't have time for it, but I miss it none the less.  What brought me here was a spam comment that annoyed me.  I went to delete that baby and started reading old posts. 

To put it bluntly I am amazed at how miserable I was at times.  This post really got me thinking about how far I've come in the last three years.

On May 3, 2013 I celebrated three years of abstinence, I have lost and kept off 110 lbs. and have also maintained my sobriety during that time.  Sure my physical health has improved considerably.  No more high cholesterol, no more high blood pressure, no more joint pain (that bad ankle feels much better without having to carry all that extra weight), no more crazy blood sugar spikes and drops leaving me feeling shaky and weak.

The biggest change though has been my mental health.  Who knew abstaining from certain foods and alcohol would make things that seemed impossible easy as pie (yeah, I still describe things using food).  Actually, abstaining from the certain foods and alcohol didn't make the changes, working the twelve steps as outlined in the Big Book of AA did.  Of course, there is no way I could of done the work without having my head cleared of the food/alcohol fog.

Everything is different, yet everything remains the same.  I'm the only thing that's changed in this equation called life.  As Thomas Jefferson said, "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."  The only caveat was my mind was such a mess I couldn't see the forest through the trees.  Doing the step work cleaned that mess up.

Now I live my life like this:  clean house, trust G-d, help others.

By the way, clean house isn't my literal house (although that is much cleaner too), it's the mess that was in my head.  Also, I should note that after cleaning that house out, under all the crap I found secret compartments, where childhood pain and abuse were tucked away.  I tried to just pretend they weren't there.  That attitude almost cost me my sobriety.  I'm working on those compartments now with the help of a therapist.  I'm doing really well.  A few weeks ago my doctor cut the dosage of my last anti depressant in half.  None of this has been easy.  My family and friends have been infinitely patient.

I am blessed beyond belief.