I Almost Fell Off the Beam Last Night

As an alcoholic I sometimes have "alcohol" thoughts.  Just passing thoughts about having a drink, or sometimes if I'm feeling restless, irritable or discontent I ruminate about how "just one" would take the edge off.  Of course I've never had "just one" in my entire life, so who am I kidding.  Fortunately, not myself.

Last night I'm driving to work and a thought passed on through about how refreshing a gin and tonic would taste.  That thought almost immediately progressed to how good a pitcher would taste.  Followed by how nice it would be to just tie one on and not have to deal with the feelings of irritability, restlessness and discontent that I have been dealing with recently.   

Life on life's terms hasn't been easy lately.  I'm tired, physically and mentally.  I know that while getting drunk sounds like a great way to take a break from reality, it's really a fools dream.  Opening that door is a ticket to hell and the path back out is littered with those who don't survive.

I don't want to go back there, I can't.  So I start making phone calls.  Reaching out to my AA friends is my first line of defense when my disease gets a step up on me.  So I start dialing.  I get someone on the phone and one of the first questions she asks me is, "Is it possible that I ingested something recently that could have triggered the allergy?"  You know what, now that you mention it I had a cold last week and took some cold medicine I've never taken before.  I took it for a few days and then realized that I was getting excited waiting for the next dose to be due.  Normally I don't take anything without looking at the ingredients.  It's just too risky.  But I didn't at the time.  When I realized that I was thinking about the next dose I knew something wasn't right and read the ingredients.  There it was, the second ingredient, alcohol.  Crap!  No more of that medicine.  So I thought about it for a day or two then forgot about it, end of story? Apparently not.  Alcoholism (and food addiction, for that matter) is cunning, baffling and powerful, a week later and the power boost my disease got by me ingesting alcohol is still affecting me.

Last night I came the closest I have ever come to picking up a drink since I've been in recovery.  The important part is I didn't, but that doesn't mean that I won't face this challenge again.