As an alcoholic I sometimes have "alcohol" thoughts. Just passing thoughts about having a drink, or sometimes if I'm feeling restless, irritable or discontent I ruminate about how "just one" would take the edge off. Of course I've never had "just one" in my entire life, so who am I kidding. Fortunately, not myself.
Last night I'm driving to work and a thought passed on through about how refreshing a gin and tonic would taste. That thought almost immediately progressed to how good a pitcher would taste. Followed by how nice it would be to just tie one on and not have to deal with the feelings of irritability, restlessness and discontent that I have been dealing with recently.
Life on life's terms hasn't been easy lately. I'm tired, physically and mentally. I know that while getting drunk sounds like a great way to take a break from reality, it's really a fools dream. Opening that door is a ticket to hell and the path back out is littered with those who don't survive.
I don't want to go back there, I can't. So I start making phone calls. Reaching out to my AA friends is my first line of defense when my disease gets a step up on me. So I start dialing. I get someone on the phone and one of the first questions she asks me is, "Is it possible that I ingested something recently that could have triggered the allergy?" You know what, now that you mention it I had a cold last week and took some cold medicine I've never taken before. I took it for a few days and then realized that I was getting excited waiting for the next dose to be due. Normally I don't take anything without looking at the ingredients. It's just too risky. But I didn't at the time. When I realized that I was thinking about the next dose I knew something wasn't right and read the ingredients. There it was, the second ingredient, alcohol. Crap! No more of that medicine. So I thought about it for a day or two then forgot about it, end of story? Apparently not. Alcoholism (and food addiction, for that matter) is cunning, baffling and powerful, a week later and the power boost my disease got by me ingesting alcohol is still affecting me.
Last night I came the closest I have ever come to picking up a drink since I've been in recovery. The important part is I didn't, but that doesn't mean that I won't face this challenge again.